Wednesday, 1 December 2010


In every sense of the bloody phrase.
I feel disgusting. My throat is raw, I can't warm up and my snot is luminous like picalilly (can't spell it but I don't need to I don't eat the shite, snot or picalilly). Not that anybody wants to know.
Rosie is still fabulous :) so proud of us, riding out in the big wide dangerous world on our own. Love her to bits, best thing that's happened all year.
Just been thinking about 2010 and how shit it's been, here's the basical reason for my moaning in the order it happened, ahem:
my uncle died. fell out with our housemates big time so me and kirsty moved out on the night and had to find somewhere else to live immediately. quit my long term job for another, left after 3 shifts=unemployed. made the decision to leave uni 3 moths before the finish leaving me £550 in debt. my girlfriend of near enough 18 moths who i live with leaves me, asks me to move out soon as and swears there is no one else, leaves me £350 in debt. 2 weeks later she's with someone else. no one comes out for my 20th. i get sacked from my new job for having a new one. i have to borrow £530 from my Nan to get through the month. my car is hit by a taxi driver, i am blamed.
I don't think I need to go on. Even my counsellor was appalled.
To be fair, things are looking good. Iam knackering myself with overtime but I honestly will get there. (I'm listening to Sisters are doin it for themselves, so i might not actually feel this positive when the song's over...).
Do you know what I really wanna do? Write my own stand up material,  I think I'd be good at it. Got enough shit to ridicule.
Love life? Why do I bother. Jesus if therewas a drug to take to stop you liking anybody and wanting sex, by jove I would fucking be on it. MUGmust be written on my forehead totally. I am never number 1 on anyones agenda. I am always the back up plan. And do you know what, if I'm honest? It's probably because people don't think I hav any feelings, wouldn't like them, am too good looking and witty to just stay with them and not cheat blah blah. Cos the people I like always end up with mingers instead. So yes, I was serious about that very big headed sentence there. I still have an ego, it comes out once in a while and likes the odd stroke.
FUCKING SNOW RIGHT. Was well looking forward to seeing one of my mates who I have really missed and actually turns out to be one of the most genuine people I've ever met on friday. It's looking doubtful I'll be going. I say we all just piss on the snow when we need a wee, it'll soon shift.
Allia, what can I say apart from I think I fucked that shit up!
I now see absolutely none of my close mates and they never talk to me of their own accord which is really beautiful. Nice to know where I stand ey. I'll just get new ones don't worry about me.
I was gonna write about student protestors but I think I'll leave it. I'm too tired of winning these arguments.
And yes it does partly stem down to the fact I think most students are bellends. I'm about 80 on the inside.
Better get back to my crossword and TCP.

Monday, 1 November 2010


Barely anyone makes the effort with me anymore apart from Allia and Kelly so cba. Just not doing it anymore. Don't make anyone a priority if they only make you an option. New life motto.
I feel right minging atm, massive spot on my face and a load of others. I'm not even stressed.
I'm bored of being single. It's got to that point. I just don't find it fun, I can't be a slag it's not me. And I can't deal with being lonely and other things...
There's nout wrong with me come on people.
Nearly fell asleep thrugh counselling tother day, nice one. I'm finding it hard to be open and honest with her which is making her think it's just been the shit that's happened this year causing th depression.
Struggling with my money again. And it's only on more payday tilxmas. fml. can't even be arsed with it this year.
Got a new horse which is good, she's called rose and she's beautiful. just been mistreated in thepast so she's a bit of a little shit atm and it could get dangerous, i'm sure she'll come along fine It's the only thing I ever look forward to nowadays, that and work in the right circumstances.
Ok so best go and get some rest, got 4 nights this week and I've just taken on 13hrs in bank shifts on top of that. Why do I do it to myself.

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Worn down.

Yet another pussy has taken the piss with me and frankly, Icannot be arsed with the human race anymore.
But nevermind that, I'll tell me councillor (Iam well aware I cannot spell that word) tomorrow. Yes, the NHS has finally got their arses into gear.
I am still loving the new job, bloody ell, err career? Totally gonna do mynursing. Well that is unless paramedics becomes an option again. I can play casualty in real life, not just in the playgrond like we used to.
Put an advert up offering to help with a new geeg and I have 3 relies back in 24 hours which all seem pretty promising. One of which I think is for a girl I used to help out before which would be interesting.
Might actually get back on track now with my riding. It's so hard to juggle these things.
As for my love life...trying not to let myself get in too deep like I always do. But it is damn hard, I just don't know where she's at.
I think she's in denial tbh, I think she wants me.
HA, that'll be the day.
Had a really horrid dream last night about my ex coming onto me on this halloween night out I've got with her. I've heard she's minging now aswell which is how I've pictured her and woke myself up having a panic attack.

Sunday, 26 September 2010


Hello again.
Once again I'll keep this brief as I have a headache and a thirteen hour shift waiting for me tomorrow. Boohoo.
Bit cheerier over the last couple of days. The girl wasn't ignoring me, her phone sent all my texts through at once like 5 days later :| this makes me unsure of whether to get a blackberry. But let's face it, I probably will anyway. We're going out wednesday night :)
The new job is still AWESOME. Still getting on with everyone, still haven't made any major boo boos or killed anyone. In fact some seem to have taken a shine to me. Even doing peg feeds and meds on my own! ey up.
It's officially down to me with William now. Well not entirely but you know what I mean. Nervous? Yes. Excited? Yes. I think so far I have been underestimated with what I've ridden and what I've coped with which is making me doubt myself so I'll definitely needs to be getting in the saddle asoften as possible and keeping up with lessons. The aim after all is to get my own next year, o at least have my name down for one anyway.
Payday on thurs, will my trouble be over or will it be worse? Who knows.

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

How small have penguins got?

Seriously what a rip.
Anyway I'll keep this quite brief. Last week or so felt like absolute toss, probably due to the fact that everyone under the sun is ignoring me. Including the most important girl of them all which is making me paranoid about what I've done for sure.  I always scare them off in the end.
I've been really down and angry and it's making me wonder if the tablets are having any effect anymore. Clearly the NHS doesn't care enough to getme counselling, it's been 4 months and nothing. Bag of shit. Gonna start going to the gym hopefully, see if that helps.
So yeah, I'm invisible. It's like being patrick swayze in ghost.
Not seen William for a while. Just leaving it 'til it's actually down to me to be honest, can't be arsed with people who are gonna fuck me around.
Might have to give my ridinglesson up which I'm really gutted about but now I have a career  can hardly ask for every wednesday night off. Going to have to look into a private or somewhere I can take William.
The only one upside to all this is that I LOVE my new job. I didn't think I would and I didn't think I'd be able to cope with half the challenges thrown at me but I am. Which is really positive. Te only time I'm really content is at work which is why I've already put my name down for overtime. That and because I'm over a grand in debt which needs paying back like now. At 20 years old.
Man, I'm just bored of life. "How can you get bored of life you never know what's coming."
Well yes, yes I do. More shit.

Friday, 10 September 2010

More music...

Which has had some sort of impact upon me in my time...

Simian Mobile Disco Feat. Beth Ditto: Crual Intentions
Everybody who I meet has them.
And this song kind of displays this and maybe how the other person has no idea and is really into you. It's an upbeat but pretty dark song in my opinion, my favourite kind.

Ben E King:Stand by Me.
Makes me cry everytime I hear it.
Just alls you want in life really int it. But so far alls who seems to do this is select family and animals.
Had a lot of fun performing this in year 8 music aswell...on a frigging keyboard.
Also one of my favourite performances Kirsty ever did.

Cee-Lo Green: No One's Gonna Love You
I know this is a cover but I like this version a lot better.
It's such a beautiful song. I want it as the first dance at my wedding. Not too cheesy and not too obvious. 'No one's every gonna love you more than I do...'

Chicane:Don't Give Up
Speaks for itself really.
Makes you think when you're down.
'Don't worry if the sun don't shine, you've seen it before, you don't have to worry'.

Whiskey In the Jar
...the Irish version whoever that was. So many memories from a very drunk and rowdy Paddys day.

Damien Rice: 9 Crimes
Can totally mellow out to this song and think.
It gives you a bit of a conscience I think aswell.

Daniel Merriweather:Chainsaw
'Giving myself to you is like giving myself to a chainsaw'.
Love you always.

David Guetta: Sexy Bitch
Never ever fails to make me sing and bust a move no matter where I am.
The summer tune of all summer tunes.
It's such a euphoric song to have on when you're out, it just makes everyone happy.
I don't care if it's just some cheesy dance track, man it's good.

Yolanda Be Cool: We No Speak Americano
Already legendary.
Back when it was all good at m1lkshake this is all I wanted to hear through my day so we could crack our little dance out.

Deftones: Back To School
Blast from the past and I still love it.
Get it on in Siberia and mosh. Get it on at Annabels parties and mosh.

Bullet for my Valentine: All these things I hate
Another old tune.
But I think to me it's about being your own worst enemy and getting yourself into shit situations which I seem to be so good at.

Destinys Child: Bills Bills Bills
So many skanks about in the world who just use you.
This song is about them. Using your money in particular. Just joy riding.
Fuck them.

Dolly Parton:Jolene
Beautiful. Absolutely stunning.
Think it goes for any relationship kind of situation where you've got someone who you know is interested in your partner and there's nothing you can do. You feel powerless and you have that horrid waiting about to see who's going to 'win'.

Edith Piaf: Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien
You can't regret things.
Or you're life will be shit.

Eminem: Stan
I love nearly everything this guy has ever done.
This one in particular though. It's so dark and original, I don't think there's anything else like it.
I remember when my Mum and Dad had the Marshall Mathers LP when I was younger and wouldn't let me listen to it. I did anyway. And I'm glad.
Feeling ignored, invisible, insignificant, depressed. Yep, been there.

Florence + The Machine: Girl With One Eye
It's amazing. Why shouldn't you have revenge on someone who's fucked you over? They won't do it again.

Foo Fighters: Everlong
Buzzed off seeing this live, such an atmosphere.
It's about how you feel when you're happy, you just want everything to stay the same. Change is not welcome.

Fugees: Killing me softly
Ever had that someone who you're just so in love with? Doesn't matter what they do, you're just in love with it. You relate to them completely. And in a way, you're scared.

Garbage: Stupid Girl
Loved these so much when I was younger. I idolised Shirley Manson. In the end, I did get her hair and got bored of it.
It's about fake people. But I take it as a song for when you've fucked up and you're annoyed at yourself.

George Michael:Faith
The resemblence was scarily uncanny. It was a hilarious night.
I want more times like that.

Gossip:Standing in the way of control
Being gay, naturally I love this song. Being out and proud. Fuck all those people who get in your way.
When we saw it live, Beth said if there was one thing she's glad she did say it's this.

Happy Mondays-Step on.
Some good dance moves were busted back in the sibs days with me and Nick when you could smoke in there. That's how far back it was. I feel old now.
hilarious time though. I wanna crack some sort of monkey dance out everytime I hear it.

Incubus: Anna Molly
First song I ever heard by them, I know shocking. And still my favourite and I'm not sure why. Think it's to do with the video, it was very intrigueing. A stranger finding another stranger dead and it being so upsetting that no one knew anything about her. Hmm.

Jamie T: Sheila
To some he's annoying, to some he's a genius. Argue amonst oneselves.
I just think it sounds like a typical song about an argument between a couple and the girl going out and getting pissed afterwards. And then she dies.

Joy Division: She's Lost Control
This song was written about me. The end.

Kelis: 4th July
This song meant nothing until the other week when I saw it live.
Yes it was amazing but it holds some darker memories of what was going on at the time. dyke drama. it was like something of skins where they think it's clever to add juxta position with music.

Kirsty Stephens: No
So ironic that I wrote and filmed the video to this and the situation kind of rolled out in real life. 'And I don't know how to treat you after lying like that.' 'Why do I bother with you?' 'why do i treat you so good when you're always doing me wrong?' 'Everytime I see you I just want you to take me home.' urgh. Been in this situation much then?

La Roux: Quicksand
I don't know how this girl has the front to say she's not gay or even bi because this is the dykiest song I've ever heard. 'I'm the obsessor holding your hand, it seems you have forgotten about your man, alone in the darkness, my bed's a different land'. Yeah La Roux whatevs. It's just a typical lesbian situation about a straight girl crush and how it plays with your emotions.

Lady GaGa: Bad Romance
HATED this when it first came out and then it grew on me. Which is always the type of song that sticks. Yeah yeah it's catchy, it's great to go out to and have a sing and a dance. But she's such a clever writer. You crave the bad ones because it's exciting and when you're in love you don't care about their feelings you just want more than friendship.

Lady Sovereign: Love me or Hate me
Great car song. Great few memories playing it in the car, badass.
Speaks for itself though again, shouldn't care about other people's opinions. Just get on with it.

Lighthouse Family: Ain't no Sunshine
I could have sex with this song. It's so true though. It's horrible to miss someone like that, even if they've only been gone for 5 minutes.
Thing is, you need that. It makes things stronger. I've learnt this now.

M.I.A: 10 dollar
This woman is an idol. Bow down.
so original and so clever. I love how this incorporates the indian bit. But it's about money being no object, if you want something bad enough, you can get it.

Melissa Ferrick: Love Song
'How strange a request for a love song, and I don't even know how to sing one'. For when you can't express your feelings, you just have them and that's all there is to it. 'I am sorry that you cannot make you fall in love with my love song'...

Melissa Ferrick: Drive
The hottest song you will ever listen to. it will make you horny just listening to the riff.
So yeah it's about sexual needs and fantasies and someone who fulfils them....

Muse: Bliss
I think this song is gorgeous. It's like viewing the person you're in love with as some sort of angel, it's an obsession, it's an addiction.

My chemical romance: Demolition Lovers
ARSED. They were a good band back in the day, some good lyrics.
I'm not sure if I've been that in love with someone that you would die for them. Maybe that you would run away with them...but man, I think this song's romantic.

Mya: Case of the ex
Explains everyone's paranoia.
I listen to this when I'm thinking about everything that's happened. I am not like this but hey, how does whateevr she's called know that ey.

Nirvana: You know you're right
I love Kurt Cobains voice.
'Things have never been so swell, I have never felt this well'
it's so sarcastic, like when you're putting on a front because you have to.

Do you know you're hurting me? This is the main issue in this song. Everybody can relate to that. It  makes you think about everything so much, like everything.

No Doubt: Don't Speak
I remember buying this on tape. Gwen Stefani will forever be my ultimate idol. If I look that good when I've had 2 kids and I;m in my 40s I'll let all the shit that's happened go.
It's when you don;t want to hear something because it's going to hurt you, you want to hold onto the good times. I think I'd rather read people than listen to them sometimes.

P!nk: Please don't leave me
So personal.
And SUCH bullshit. I never would have but in the end it was me who was singing this.

Saw this live at the MEN and cried. It was the most stunning pserformance of anything i have ever seen.
It's is good to be sober though sometimes. Then at least you can think straight. But sometimes, you just want to forget it all.

Peaches: Fuck the pain away
A classic. Brilliant to dance to. Makes me feel fucked just hearing it though.

Placebo: The Bitter End
Seems that everyone I ever drift from or lose has some sort of bitterness attached. I don't want it but I've begun to get used to it and grow to expect it.

Prince: When doves cry
You've had an argument with someone, and you just question what you've done and why you've argued. And it's horrible.
But he makes it sound so sexy.

Prodigy: Take me to the hospital
This is my angry song of late.
I don't know what it is, it's just dark.

I am now tired and shall retire and probably continue tomorrow...

Back down with a bump.

William was wonderful yesterday. Went on a ride out, was an angel and didn't spook once. Then went in the school and did our first little jumping sesh :)
Lou thinks we're going to make a good team. I hope so.
I was so happy yesterday.

And then today a fucking taxi driver went right into the side of my car, liek whilst we were driving along in the piss rain at 30 miles an hour on a dual carriageway. He was trying to understake a learner and clearly didn't check his mirrors the prick. Got a big bump in the side of my car and I'm a bit shaken. We think we've found him anyway so hopefully it'll all get sorted. Why is life such a bitch and why does it feel the need to remind you all the fucking time?

Stressed now. Just want to go out really and not be on my own, can feel a depressive mood coming on but no one's arsed as per.