Wednesday, 1 December 2010


In every sense of the bloody phrase.
I feel disgusting. My throat is raw, I can't warm up and my snot is luminous like picalilly (can't spell it but I don't need to I don't eat the shite, snot or picalilly). Not that anybody wants to know.
Rosie is still fabulous :) so proud of us, riding out in the big wide dangerous world on our own. Love her to bits, best thing that's happened all year.
Just been thinking about 2010 and how shit it's been, here's the basical reason for my moaning in the order it happened, ahem:
my uncle died. fell out with our housemates big time so me and kirsty moved out on the night and had to find somewhere else to live immediately. quit my long term job for another, left after 3 shifts=unemployed. made the decision to leave uni 3 moths before the finish leaving me £550 in debt. my girlfriend of near enough 18 moths who i live with leaves me, asks me to move out soon as and swears there is no one else, leaves me £350 in debt. 2 weeks later she's with someone else. no one comes out for my 20th. i get sacked from my new job for having a new one. i have to borrow £530 from my Nan to get through the month. my car is hit by a taxi driver, i am blamed.
I don't think I need to go on. Even my counsellor was appalled.
To be fair, things are looking good. Iam knackering myself with overtime but I honestly will get there. (I'm listening to Sisters are doin it for themselves, so i might not actually feel this positive when the song's over...).
Do you know what I really wanna do? Write my own stand up material,  I think I'd be good at it. Got enough shit to ridicule.
Love life? Why do I bother. Jesus if therewas a drug to take to stop you liking anybody and wanting sex, by jove I would fucking be on it. MUGmust be written on my forehead totally. I am never number 1 on anyones agenda. I am always the back up plan. And do you know what, if I'm honest? It's probably because people don't think I hav any feelings, wouldn't like them, am too good looking and witty to just stay with them and not cheat blah blah. Cos the people I like always end up with mingers instead. So yes, I was serious about that very big headed sentence there. I still have an ego, it comes out once in a while and likes the odd stroke.
FUCKING SNOW RIGHT. Was well looking forward to seeing one of my mates who I have really missed and actually turns out to be one of the most genuine people I've ever met on friday. It's looking doubtful I'll be going. I say we all just piss on the snow when we need a wee, it'll soon shift.
Allia, what can I say apart from I think I fucked that shit up!
I now see absolutely none of my close mates and they never talk to me of their own accord which is really beautiful. Nice to know where I stand ey. I'll just get new ones don't worry about me.
I was gonna write about student protestors but I think I'll leave it. I'm too tired of winning these arguments.
And yes it does partly stem down to the fact I think most students are bellends. I'm about 80 on the inside.
Better get back to my crossword and TCP.

Monday, 1 November 2010


Barely anyone makes the effort with me anymore apart from Allia and Kelly so cba. Just not doing it anymore. Don't make anyone a priority if they only make you an option. New life motto.
I feel right minging atm, massive spot on my face and a load of others. I'm not even stressed.
I'm bored of being single. It's got to that point. I just don't find it fun, I can't be a slag it's not me. And I can't deal with being lonely and other things...
There's nout wrong with me come on people.
Nearly fell asleep thrugh counselling tother day, nice one. I'm finding it hard to be open and honest with her which is making her think it's just been the shit that's happened this year causing th depression.
Struggling with my money again. And it's only on more payday tilxmas. fml. can't even be arsed with it this year.
Got a new horse which is good, she's called rose and she's beautiful. just been mistreated in thepast so she's a bit of a little shit atm and it could get dangerous, i'm sure she'll come along fine It's the only thing I ever look forward to nowadays, that and work in the right circumstances.
Ok so best go and get some rest, got 4 nights this week and I've just taken on 13hrs in bank shifts on top of that. Why do I do it to myself.

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Worn down.

Yet another pussy has taken the piss with me and frankly, Icannot be arsed with the human race anymore.
But nevermind that, I'll tell me councillor (Iam well aware I cannot spell that word) tomorrow. Yes, the NHS has finally got their arses into gear.
I am still loving the new job, bloody ell, err career? Totally gonna do mynursing. Well that is unless paramedics becomes an option again. I can play casualty in real life, not just in the playgrond like we used to.
Put an advert up offering to help with a new geeg and I have 3 relies back in 24 hours which all seem pretty promising. One of which I think is for a girl I used to help out before which would be interesting.
Might actually get back on track now with my riding. It's so hard to juggle these things.
As for my love life...trying not to let myself get in too deep like I always do. But it is damn hard, I just don't know where she's at.
I think she's in denial tbh, I think she wants me.
HA, that'll be the day.
Had a really horrid dream last night about my ex coming onto me on this halloween night out I've got with her. I've heard she's minging now aswell which is how I've pictured her and woke myself up having a panic attack.

Sunday, 26 September 2010


Hello again.
Once again I'll keep this brief as I have a headache and a thirteen hour shift waiting for me tomorrow. Boohoo.
Bit cheerier over the last couple of days. The girl wasn't ignoring me, her phone sent all my texts through at once like 5 days later :| this makes me unsure of whether to get a blackberry. But let's face it, I probably will anyway. We're going out wednesday night :)
The new job is still AWESOME. Still getting on with everyone, still haven't made any major boo boos or killed anyone. In fact some seem to have taken a shine to me. Even doing peg feeds and meds on my own! ey up.
It's officially down to me with William now. Well not entirely but you know what I mean. Nervous? Yes. Excited? Yes. I think so far I have been underestimated with what I've ridden and what I've coped with which is making me doubt myself so I'll definitely needs to be getting in the saddle asoften as possible and keeping up with lessons. The aim after all is to get my own next year, o at least have my name down for one anyway.
Payday on thurs, will my trouble be over or will it be worse? Who knows.

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

How small have penguins got?

Seriously what a rip.
Anyway I'll keep this quite brief. Last week or so felt like absolute toss, probably due to the fact that everyone under the sun is ignoring me. Including the most important girl of them all which is making me paranoid about what I've done for sure.  I always scare them off in the end.
I've been really down and angry and it's making me wonder if the tablets are having any effect anymore. Clearly the NHS doesn't care enough to getme counselling, it's been 4 months and nothing. Bag of shit. Gonna start going to the gym hopefully, see if that helps.
So yeah, I'm invisible. It's like being patrick swayze in ghost.
Not seen William for a while. Just leaving it 'til it's actually down to me to be honest, can't be arsed with people who are gonna fuck me around.
Might have to give my ridinglesson up which I'm really gutted about but now I have a career  can hardly ask for every wednesday night off. Going to have to look into a private or somewhere I can take William.
The only one upside to all this is that I LOVE my new job. I didn't think I would and I didn't think I'd be able to cope with half the challenges thrown at me but I am. Which is really positive. Te only time I'm really content is at work which is why I've already put my name down for overtime. That and because I'm over a grand in debt which needs paying back like now. At 20 years old.
Man, I'm just bored of life. "How can you get bored of life you never know what's coming."
Well yes, yes I do. More shit.

Friday, 10 September 2010

More music...

Which has had some sort of impact upon me in my time...

Simian Mobile Disco Feat. Beth Ditto: Crual Intentions
Everybody who I meet has them.
And this song kind of displays this and maybe how the other person has no idea and is really into you. It's an upbeat but pretty dark song in my opinion, my favourite kind.

Ben E King:Stand by Me.
Makes me cry everytime I hear it.
Just alls you want in life really int it. But so far alls who seems to do this is select family and animals.
Had a lot of fun performing this in year 8 music aswell...on a frigging keyboard.
Also one of my favourite performances Kirsty ever did.

Cee-Lo Green: No One's Gonna Love You
I know this is a cover but I like this version a lot better.
It's such a beautiful song. I want it as the first dance at my wedding. Not too cheesy and not too obvious. 'No one's every gonna love you more than I do...'

Chicane:Don't Give Up
Speaks for itself really.
Makes you think when you're down.
'Don't worry if the sun don't shine, you've seen it before, you don't have to worry'.

Whiskey In the Jar
...the Irish version whoever that was. So many memories from a very drunk and rowdy Paddys day.

Damien Rice: 9 Crimes
Can totally mellow out to this song and think.
It gives you a bit of a conscience I think aswell.

Daniel Merriweather:Chainsaw
'Giving myself to you is like giving myself to a chainsaw'.
Love you always.

David Guetta: Sexy Bitch
Never ever fails to make me sing and bust a move no matter where I am.
The summer tune of all summer tunes.
It's such a euphoric song to have on when you're out, it just makes everyone happy.
I don't care if it's just some cheesy dance track, man it's good.

Yolanda Be Cool: We No Speak Americano
Already legendary.
Back when it was all good at m1lkshake this is all I wanted to hear through my day so we could crack our little dance out.

Deftones: Back To School
Blast from the past and I still love it.
Get it on in Siberia and mosh. Get it on at Annabels parties and mosh.

Bullet for my Valentine: All these things I hate
Another old tune.
But I think to me it's about being your own worst enemy and getting yourself into shit situations which I seem to be so good at.

Destinys Child: Bills Bills Bills
So many skanks about in the world who just use you.
This song is about them. Using your money in particular. Just joy riding.
Fuck them.

Dolly Parton:Jolene
Beautiful. Absolutely stunning.
Think it goes for any relationship kind of situation where you've got someone who you know is interested in your partner and there's nothing you can do. You feel powerless and you have that horrid waiting about to see who's going to 'win'.

Edith Piaf: Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien
You can't regret things.
Or you're life will be shit.

Eminem: Stan
I love nearly everything this guy has ever done.
This one in particular though. It's so dark and original, I don't think there's anything else like it.
I remember when my Mum and Dad had the Marshall Mathers LP when I was younger and wouldn't let me listen to it. I did anyway. And I'm glad.
Feeling ignored, invisible, insignificant, depressed. Yep, been there.

Florence + The Machine: Girl With One Eye
It's amazing. Why shouldn't you have revenge on someone who's fucked you over? They won't do it again.

Foo Fighters: Everlong
Buzzed off seeing this live, such an atmosphere.
It's about how you feel when you're happy, you just want everything to stay the same. Change is not welcome.

Fugees: Killing me softly
Ever had that someone who you're just so in love with? Doesn't matter what they do, you're just in love with it. You relate to them completely. And in a way, you're scared.

Garbage: Stupid Girl
Loved these so much when I was younger. I idolised Shirley Manson. In the end, I did get her hair and got bored of it.
It's about fake people. But I take it as a song for when you've fucked up and you're annoyed at yourself.

George Michael:Faith
The resemblence was scarily uncanny. It was a hilarious night.
I want more times like that.

Gossip:Standing in the way of control
Being gay, naturally I love this song. Being out and proud. Fuck all those people who get in your way.
When we saw it live, Beth said if there was one thing she's glad she did say it's this.

Happy Mondays-Step on.
Some good dance moves were busted back in the sibs days with me and Nick when you could smoke in there. That's how far back it was. I feel old now.
hilarious time though. I wanna crack some sort of monkey dance out everytime I hear it.

Incubus: Anna Molly
First song I ever heard by them, I know shocking. And still my favourite and I'm not sure why. Think it's to do with the video, it was very intrigueing. A stranger finding another stranger dead and it being so upsetting that no one knew anything about her. Hmm.

Jamie T: Sheila
To some he's annoying, to some he's a genius. Argue amonst oneselves.
I just think it sounds like a typical song about an argument between a couple and the girl going out and getting pissed afterwards. And then she dies.

Joy Division: She's Lost Control
This song was written about me. The end.

Kelis: 4th July
This song meant nothing until the other week when I saw it live.
Yes it was amazing but it holds some darker memories of what was going on at the time. dyke drama. it was like something of skins where they think it's clever to add juxta position with music.

Kirsty Stephens: No
So ironic that I wrote and filmed the video to this and the situation kind of rolled out in real life. 'And I don't know how to treat you after lying like that.' 'Why do I bother with you?' 'why do i treat you so good when you're always doing me wrong?' 'Everytime I see you I just want you to take me home.' urgh. Been in this situation much then?

La Roux: Quicksand
I don't know how this girl has the front to say she's not gay or even bi because this is the dykiest song I've ever heard. 'I'm the obsessor holding your hand, it seems you have forgotten about your man, alone in the darkness, my bed's a different land'. Yeah La Roux whatevs. It's just a typical lesbian situation about a straight girl crush and how it plays with your emotions.

Lady GaGa: Bad Romance
HATED this when it first came out and then it grew on me. Which is always the type of song that sticks. Yeah yeah it's catchy, it's great to go out to and have a sing and a dance. But she's such a clever writer. You crave the bad ones because it's exciting and when you're in love you don't care about their feelings you just want more than friendship.

Lady Sovereign: Love me or Hate me
Great car song. Great few memories playing it in the car, badass.
Speaks for itself though again, shouldn't care about other people's opinions. Just get on with it.

Lighthouse Family: Ain't no Sunshine
I could have sex with this song. It's so true though. It's horrible to miss someone like that, even if they've only been gone for 5 minutes.
Thing is, you need that. It makes things stronger. I've learnt this now.

M.I.A: 10 dollar
This woman is an idol. Bow down.
so original and so clever. I love how this incorporates the indian bit. But it's about money being no object, if you want something bad enough, you can get it.

Melissa Ferrick: Love Song
'How strange a request for a love song, and I don't even know how to sing one'. For when you can't express your feelings, you just have them and that's all there is to it. 'I am sorry that you cannot make you fall in love with my love song'...

Melissa Ferrick: Drive
The hottest song you will ever listen to. it will make you horny just listening to the riff.
So yeah it's about sexual needs and fantasies and someone who fulfils them....

Muse: Bliss
I think this song is gorgeous. It's like viewing the person you're in love with as some sort of angel, it's an obsession, it's an addiction.

My chemical romance: Demolition Lovers
ARSED. They were a good band back in the day, some good lyrics.
I'm not sure if I've been that in love with someone that you would die for them. Maybe that you would run away with them...but man, I think this song's romantic.

Mya: Case of the ex
Explains everyone's paranoia.
I listen to this when I'm thinking about everything that's happened. I am not like this but hey, how does whateevr she's called know that ey.

Nirvana: You know you're right
I love Kurt Cobains voice.
'Things have never been so swell, I have never felt this well'
it's so sarcastic, like when you're putting on a front because you have to.

Do you know you're hurting me? This is the main issue in this song. Everybody can relate to that. It  makes you think about everything so much, like everything.

No Doubt: Don't Speak
I remember buying this on tape. Gwen Stefani will forever be my ultimate idol. If I look that good when I've had 2 kids and I;m in my 40s I'll let all the shit that's happened go.
It's when you don;t want to hear something because it's going to hurt you, you want to hold onto the good times. I think I'd rather read people than listen to them sometimes.

P!nk: Please don't leave me
So personal.
And SUCH bullshit. I never would have but in the end it was me who was singing this.

Saw this live at the MEN and cried. It was the most stunning pserformance of anything i have ever seen.
It's is good to be sober though sometimes. Then at least you can think straight. But sometimes, you just want to forget it all.

Peaches: Fuck the pain away
A classic. Brilliant to dance to. Makes me feel fucked just hearing it though.

Placebo: The Bitter End
Seems that everyone I ever drift from or lose has some sort of bitterness attached. I don't want it but I've begun to get used to it and grow to expect it.

Prince: When doves cry
You've had an argument with someone, and you just question what you've done and why you've argued. And it's horrible.
But he makes it sound so sexy.

Prodigy: Take me to the hospital
This is my angry song of late.
I don't know what it is, it's just dark.

I am now tired and shall retire and probably continue tomorrow...

Back down with a bump.

William was wonderful yesterday. Went on a ride out, was an angel and didn't spook once. Then went in the school and did our first little jumping sesh :)
Lou thinks we're going to make a good team. I hope so.
I was so happy yesterday.

And then today a fucking taxi driver went right into the side of my car, liek whilst we were driving along in the piss rain at 30 miles an hour on a dual carriageway. He was trying to understake a learner and clearly didn't check his mirrors the prick. Got a big bump in the side of my car and I'm a bit shaken. We think we've found him anyway so hopefully it'll all get sorted. Why is life such a bitch and why does it feel the need to remind you all the fucking time?

Stressed now. Just want to go out really and not be on my own, can feel a depressive mood coming on but no one's arsed as per.

Monday, 6 September 2010

Why do they always run at me?

Big dirty spider that is. Lucikly my Dad pulld off a superman worthy swoop and got it
before it ran oer my foot. Best not be any waiting for me at home.

AND...I got a date I got a date...without a date :S as in calendar date not person. Well, it's a drink. But I like her.  And she's obviously not running from me which is a start. And she's gay. And she's one of the four. God I make myself sound bad...We shall see but :D good times all round. Can't wait. Just hope I have the money at the time...but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

William was rather excellent yesterday :) got my first couple of blisters on my hands, proud times. Hope I'm doing well on him. I also hope something comes up for my sister, point one because I know how much she loves horses and how capable she is but point two because I think it would drive me mad to have a constant cling on and a constant face everytime she can't come, she can't ride or I want to go on my own.

Our local shithole club Siberia is closing next week, end of an era. From the ages 16-18 I actually lived there. I was there every wednesday without fail. So next wednesday for old times, we're off there to cause some trouble, throw some shapes and get so drunk we probably fall over like old times. I just hope I'm not in work at silly oclock thee next day...

God corrie are really over doing with the gayness now...first gay kiss, sophie and sian and now ken's grandson whoever he is has just come out. You can be too diverse you know.
And now Tyrone and the ambulance have turned up just as the babys coming out of mollys fanny. As if. 'Oh my god it's him!' nahh mate, it's ken barlow, who the frig did you think was gonna be coming out from down there?!

I got a bit excited before cos I thought I might have to sell Molly cos car insurance is just a joke these days and I was totally gonna buy Bob but then direct line saved the day...ah well, maybe one day I'll drive out of bury...

Time to take your own advice.

"  Shabby has declared that she loves Caoimhe and, after questioning the motives behind her flirtatious behaviour, has decided to confront her on how she truly feels.

After drinking some of the alcohol provided by Big Brother earlier on tonight, Caoimhe and Shabby started playfighting while waiting for the Diary Room, during which they hugged and kissed. When the two went to talk to Big Brother, Caoimhe was asked to leave the Diary Room to clean one of the bathroom mirrors that the pair had drawn on with toothpaste. When Shabby came to join her, she revealed that she had made "lustful comments" about her in the Diary Room, which Caoimhe appeared to be clearly uncomfortable with.

The duo were later sat in the garden talking to Ife when Caoimhe grabbed Shabby's breasts, causing her to march angrily back into the house. After sarcastically praising Shabby for lasting an hour without storming off, Ife grabbed Caoimhe and told her that she had to be careful with how she acts around Shabby.

"You just don’t know how things can be edited," Ife stressed. "You don’t want to be seen as leading someone on."

Caoimhe thanked Ife but said that she was going to bed, stating: "I can't be arsed with this shit."

She was joined in bed by Shabby and the two appeared to be straightening things out, until the 24-year-old squatter headed back out into the main house.

"It's just so hard," Caoimhe told Nathan, who was resting in the bed opposite. "I don’t realise that she feels like that anymore. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to just back off?

"I'm probably going to be portrayed as a fucking lesbian…I've forgotten about what she's said to me, I don’t register, I don’t believe it. She doesn’t flirt with me, we’re just good friends.  "

Rule Number 1  Shabby, never get yourself a straight girl crush. It's never going anywhere good.

Friday, 3 September 2010

At one.

No nothing in particular is happening at one, I'm just at one with the world. Which seems a less likely story in my life these days. Let's revel in it. Anything you need to talk to me about, do it now. 

I even watched Titanic before and that couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I just thought, imagine dealing with that in your life? Thank god I don't have to, see it could be so much worse. I have these days once in a blue moon, I'll be back to my old bitter self tomorrow over something or other. I'm even listening to Joy Division right now, apparently it is possible to do that and be happy. 

Woke up this morning hand had a voicemail from priory. Rang them back, references received and understood and i start next monday. I can get on the payroll for end of september aswell :) very large relief. So so nervous though. I really hope I don't fuck up or say anything stupid like i usually do. It's not milkshakes at risk in this job, it's lives. Man that was deep.

Anyway, then I phoned the job centre and I will be getting my housing benefit and job seekers for the brief and horrid time I was unemployed. Get in. Tax payers can pay my Nan back, nice one. Well, you do owe me one by now guys.

Then I went to see William. Bring him in, groom him, give him his tea, do a few stable jobs. I'm in my element. I love him already. I just feel so chilled and peaceful when I'm with him. Like none of my problems matter and I can just relax. I also love the smell of hoof oil. I probably shouldn't sniff it too much, it probably has a similar effect to poppers. Or crack, who knows. I think we're getting on well though. He came to me as soon as he saw me in the field today, so proud. He probably thought he was going on another hack and getting all excited bless him cos his best pal tried to follow. Tomorrow maybe, weather permitting. And he best behave haha. I think this is going to be good times.

Then I've had an invite out tomorrow, party time with Lauren, so excited. I love our party time. No drama just laughs, moves and drunk chatting shit. 

Citalopram is the shit.

And it's not really bothering me that my love life seems to be a dying spark right now. It's too complicated. It's not like i have a shortage of people I like. it's just on has a girlfriend and isn't interested, one has a girlfriend and is very interested (see do I just go back to my old ways and just do it anyway? Fuck karma in the arse, it's done it enough times to me this year?), one is in denial about being obsessed with her ex and the other lives a bit far away and is a possible commitment phobe. But I'm not sure I mind that. God knows what state of mind I'm in. And might I add, she is very hot.

Anyway as you can see it's a headache. As the pussycat dolls once said 'I don't need a woman'...or something to that effect. But it would be nice to hit the jackpot...

Thursday, 2 September 2010

Can exs be friends?

Well no, no they can't. Number deleted. Still on facebook because I am far too nosey for my own good. And to think I was naive enough to think we had a strong enough friendship to not allow any bitch to come between us because she sees me as a threat. But why thankyou for the compliment. I am rather hot aren't I.

So apparently my references are sent off to priory. We will see about this. I love how my Dad went round there all salford style I really do. I just want to start now and get myself some dids.

cos to be honest at the minute I could have a love life. But no money does kind of massively dent that. And in a weeks time i will also have no car because I have no money to insure it. I am going to go completely insane. On the upside, my legs might get even more ripped from walking everywhere.

I really want to ask this girl number 2 to come out somewhere, but I'd clearly have to whore myself to get there. Fuck M1lkshake. Fuck Papermill. Fuck jobseekers. I am now also in over a grands worth of debt and i am 20 years young. I love my life.

Girl number 1 though, despite the's probably still gonna happen and I wouldn't mind. She's just not girlfriend material.

Seem to be seeing less and less of William :/ I've been going up on  my own seeing as this yard seems to be showing it's bitchy side already. I don't take shit. I won't stand for it. I am quite content with going somewhere, putting my music on and not speaking to anyone. Going out on my own...chilling with the horse. I can have a perfectly good chat with him and I'm sure he won't comment on my riding like he's the be all and end all in the sport. 

In other riding news, I want Bob from Ryders. He's only four but he's got manners of gold, tries his best at everything and is showing promising potential. I'm just not sure of my saving skills and I'm pretty positive some bugger will get there first like with Red.

Anyway my cat's done a shit so i better go and clean it. That's the reality of my life. Sigh.

Sunday, 29 August 2010

Proud of what.

Proud of messing me about or being a child and shoving me into people obviously. Proud of dyke drama? No thankyou. I'm not with her anymore, don't want to be and certainly didn't sleep with her when you two were together. Sort it out, you're clearly still in love with her. Which has been the motto all weekend as it happens.
Yeah Pride wasn't that much to write home about. Total dissapointment, endless getting ditched and talking to people I didn't know who didn't seem to want to know me either.

I watched the bit of the parade I did catch on my own...blah blah bollocks.
Kelis was well worth going to see, got so near the front and she was an absolute babe. 

But now I've come home crying feeling like no one gives a shit, this week is going to be an absolute trial and a piss take with all my bills due and about 40p to my name...

And then I remembered in the last hour or so of what's been a pretty shit and expensive weekend, I met a stunning girl who is absolutely lovely and not into ditching people and messing them around at all. And suddenly 20 pound for the ticket and 18.50 to get not even all the way home seemed like a bargain. 

Thursday, 26 August 2010

Language Timothy.

Godammit i need to get a grip. Today I'm a anxious wreck. I've had many a stress including one at a tit in the mini infront of me on the way to tesco with my Nan in the car. I even put my head out the window after noticing they had theirs down. She didn't appreciate the language. Bloody references have to be sent out AGAIN so I bet the Priory are just gonna give up on me and tell me to get fucked. My rent and all my bills are due next week and i have a grand total of 7 pounds in my bank. Nice one. At least I can get to Pride at least twice at the weekend. ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...who the fuck am I kidding, I'm the biggest pessimist and stress head going.

Last night I rode Bridgit again and not Mr Handsome Gypsy which I was totally gutted about. Everybody loves Gypsy, it's a Ryders farm fact. But there was a point to me riding him, not just a special treat. I was going to work on keeping my leg still because he's so sensitive. So I'm a little bit pissed off, i saw Bridgit written over tippex in the diary so I know their game. Turns out we got on a lot better this week and she was ace at flexing, we clearly did the best. Well that's my opinion, thousands would probably disagree. William would be dead good at that exercise, might try him at it in a bit when I go up to see him :) I hope he'll have a calming affect on me for the sake of my sanity this weekend.

I hope that nothing else goes wrong this weekend. i have quite a few people to meet and say iyer to now and introduce Lauren to and get drunk with so so far, good times are forecast. Aswell as with the weather it would appear. Couple of showers here and there but mostly dry, SCORE. Big improvement on last years wash out with any luck. 

I just wanna dance everything away this weekend, I know that sounds gay. I'm not even that bothered about getting majorly pissed (although i probably still will) but the most important thing is to have a reyt good laugh, meet new people and for me and Lauren to just forget all the shit that's happened and have a good time. And to see Kelis, obv.

Another thing I'm really excited about is meeting up with a certain someone who I'm not going to say much about but I am very much looking forward to it :)

Got randomly given some flyers yesterday and it turns out after whinging about wanting to see MIA and it turns out she's playing warehouse project this year!...but it's sold out! Never fear The Pole will know someone who knows someone...and if she doesn't I'll be hugely dissapointed. 

I had a brew with a mate I've not seen for ages yesterday and do you know what it was dead nice. Not at all awkward or weird like you might expect when you've not seen someone for ages and it just made me wonder if i've been making the effort with all the wrong people for quite a long time now. It seems that I've had some people coming back into my life who never should've been out of it, and maybe there's certain people who I need space and a bit of time from after getting so wound up or neglected. Cause for though I think.

In other news, my Nan writes the script for Doctors. I wanted to see if this drowning woman died in this river and she said nahh she won't Jimmy will come and drag her out and save her. I don't even know another Jimmy other than my Dad to be honest but it turns out that's exactly what happened. I think I'll start listening to my Nan more.

Monday, 23 August 2010

I'd rather be with a horse.

I haven't written for a couple of days, mainly cos nout's happened. Let's be honest about these things, my life is boring.

Oh sweet jesus new NSPCC's laughable. The pretenders are hardly charity music. God i hate the NSPCC.

I have decided I am doing mays great manchester run in aid of the Thoroughbred Rehabilitation Centre. They're an amazing charity getting ex-racehorses to settle into an ordinary life and rehome them instead of putting them down, selling them for meat or dumping them. As you can see, I am not a fan of racing. Now to work towards training!

Anyway, distracted. On saturday I went down to the farm to see William :) I walked whilst Lizzie rode and he was a star! Dead calm. Even when some absolute twats on motorbikes were whizzing around. They're not even meant to be there, it's bridleways. People walk and ride horse around them dirtracks. End of. These rally dick heads are another form of human being I can't stand, no consideration for anyone. One of them even when we shouted to stop because there was horses carried on coming up behind us and whizzing up the path beside us. Someone actually could have been killed. If William was spooky he'd have been off and his rider left on the floor. Arseholes, they expect so much respect on the roads but we get fuck all back off them. it's alright son I've written to the bury times and if I see you in my car you'll get it. Suck on that.

Then I gave him a groom which he seems to appreciate by swishing his tails about ENDLESSLY as if to say omg one didn't know I had this many hairs (William would be posh, possibly a pimp or a poof we haven't quite decided yet. Although I have some lovely bows which might be that decider...) We went to see Nanerz in the field who is Lizzies other one who's an actually massive psycho but very cute and only 5, bless him. He walked with me for a bit and then gave us the eyes so we had to bring him in and occupy him for a bit.

This didn't take long as when Lizzie lunged him he basically bronked, pulled her round the school and generally didn't want to do much. It's a shame for him really cos he could be such a beautiful horse, i hope he finds the right rider. If I had the time and the patience he'd be a good project and something I could show a lot of pride in. I wanna try out the martin clunes approach! Well what he learnt about being a grizzly bear and being the protector anyway. I could do that.

Lizzie was on about going to clifton in september, I hope we do. Show all them little shits from ryders how it's done!

I hope I start my new job next week, seriously I hate daytime telly. Who even is michael ball? he's a dick head that's who. If it's not him it's alan titchmarsh and if it's not him it's loose women. A load of menapausal woman talking about sex and things they think that matters and thinking they're controversial, whenever they think they've made a valid point they give out that smug, satisfied horrid face. No love, maybe that would have been relevant or controversial in the 50s but definitely not now you wrinkley, baggy fannied tarts. Ahem...

I am extremely frustrated with the lack of work and social life as you can see. Hopefully pride will sort me out. Sammie told me she couldn't come last night and I actually cried. my life was over. Deep, I know. But Lauren has saved the day and hopefully I shall meet a nice girl there and live happily ever after...aha. I'm losing it. I've even started to try online dating...well sort of, In the hope to find single lesbians. Don't look down on me, you know you've all added someone on facebook you thought was hot for that reason. Well it's like that except you all know what you're there for so it's less awkward. Don't worry however I'm not a freak, 'do you wanna go on webcam bbz?' 'CYBER???!', 'threesome??!'...err no thanks I'm just trying to have bigger friends circle and maybe meet a real life nice girl, broaden my horizons. 

Sorry but Colin and Justin where have they dug you up from and why are you discussing kids? What do you two queers know about kids?? (I can say it, I'm gay. It's like the N bomb.) ARGH I HATE IT.


Friday, 20 August 2010

Sweet Charity.

So I want to do some kind of event/s next year for charity. But to avoid the main charities who basically support cancer and various illnesses, kids, old people and cats & dogs is proving very difficult to do. 
     Plus I'm not even sure about the kind of event I'd want to do. A walk would be good but it doesn't excite people into sponsoring you or thinking it's going to be particularly hard. A run, now I don't know whether I could handle that at all. I'd have to train for ages and even then, I hated cross country in school or doing the sports day runs. I completely died after about 100m guaranteed. 
    Then there's cycling, I reckon I wouldn't be bad at that after randomly cycling 16 miles in Menorca last year and dealing with it. But I don't have a bike. I could get one I suppose. Again, there's just shitloads for the mainstream charities who spend all their bloody money on putting adverts with crying children on whilst you're having your tea that you never pay any attention to anyway.
     Then there's the idea of making my own...ahaa. Could be a complete success and then one could turn up or it could just go tits up in some other way. I'd really like to do it though. I'm just scared it'll be one of those things I always say I'm going to do then never do. I'm quite bad for that me. 
    Bt what would I organise and how? I'd love to do a ride for life, you never get any of those. Imagine how easy it would be to get press. But it's the routes that are going to be the  problem. I'm not familiar with many hacking routes round here so I'd have to really do my research. And possibly get a sat nav. Then there's permission from the council possibly...and THAT is a massive ache in the balls. 
     OR I could organise a horse show at one of my yards. Not too difficult to do I suppose it's just getting people to take part and finding an unbiased judge who doesn't want paying for the privilege. 
...hmm let me know your thoughts. 

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Out at 7, home by 9.

The true extent of my sadness there. Although I have the excuse that I am saving pennies for Pride. 

     Ellen Degeneres said in 2000 on her live dvd (watch it it's very good) that we can find all our answers in silence. I'm trying that now as I have a lot of answers which I require. See it's all well and good but there's still cars swishing about in the rain and the window's open cos I'm boiling and I'm typing so then there's that and if there was actual silence anyway I'm scared I would conk out after my 2 and a half koppabergs...

     On a continuation from yesterday I didn't ride my beautiful Broc on my riding lesson. No I got the 16.3hh beast that is Bridgit who I rode once absolutely ages ago. Now today we were bringing the cross country indoors. Home made cross country fences out of lay down jumping blocks, straw bales and cones...that sort of terrifying shit. Which I could look at one of two ways: At least it's indoors and not actually outside on the cross country field. I hate cross country.

     Well I think even after the very few blogs I've posted you can guess my answer. She absolutely leapt through the cones at full pelt. And tried eating the straw. So things were already bad enough. Then we got to the lay down jumping blocks and jesus wept you've never seen a performance like it. I don't actually know who's panicky breathing was louder mine or Bridgits. This clearly demonstrates the view that the bigger you get the bigger the wimp you are. It took ten minutes of me nearly coming off, her running backwards and round in circles until we finally bombed over it. 

    And I realised. I knew how to do it. I knew how to ride the horse. I could do it. I was just terrified of falling off and getting hurt. The thing is when I'm about to come off  a horse if I can avoid it, I will. I'll cling on for dear life instead of just admitting defeat. And I think this is the oh-so-wrong approach I take with everything in life. Instead of just letting go I kind of just either ignore it, back away from it or try to make everything better. Take me and Kirst for instance. I'd known it was coming for days and it completely ruined my last show, but I wouldn't bring it up and just get it out of the way myself. I just let myself go on crying, struggling, putting on a brave face because I thought that would make everything alright. I need to stop being so afraid of seperating myself from things and hitting the floor because it's just making me afraid to live my life. 

     Afraid to fall for anyone else because the same thing will happen and I'll never be good enough. Afraid to do cross country or have a good gallop on a horse across a field because I'm afraid I'll end up on the floor. I'm not saying I should just go and like throw myself off buildings or something and expect to live but the point is cotton wool and fear is not the solution. 

     I don't think I'm worried about seeing her at Pride with her new bird. I've gotten to the point now where I can even watch the video for 'No' that we made and not feel anything. (No it's not a porno, it's her music vid...) It's completely upto her whether she wants to actually make the effort and be friends although at the minute I think her bird has too much pussy control over her. I know she'd hate this, a facebook status about her and she flipped.

     As for today there's nothing much to say really. And the fact that it feels like those 2 and a half koppabergs are now sat on my eyelids... The decision was made to go to Amsterdam for my 21st. Red light district, weed, museums, hostels and interesting alcohol. Bring on the good times of 2011 I say.

     I will never be more glad to see the end of a year in all of my life.

A List.

This is just basically going to be a list of things I want to buy when I start my new job and my bank next sees money...can I get a 'In your dreams'?!

1) Car Insurance.
2) A new flat screen tv.
3) A new phone which does not break every month.
4) A wii.
5) Subscriptions to Diva, Horse&Rider and Horse magazines.
6) Simon Amstells new live dvd when it comes out.
7) Canvas pictures for my flat.
8) A big gold mirror for the bedroom.
9) Red paint for the bedroom feature wall.
10) Magnolia paint to go over everywhere that got scratched by us trying to get that couch in.
11) A couch instead of 2 chairs.
12) Many t-shirts from truffle shuffle.
13) A new tattoo.
14) Many dvds from Amazon to expand my already large collection.
15) A pair of muckers for when I go and  do William.
16) A horse riding holiday/training programme.
17) A weekly or fortnightly private lesson, preferably with William.
18) More toys and fun stuff for Coco to do when I'm out.
19) Get those speakers fitted in my car! And black the back windows out.
20) A gym membership to train for da po-lice.

...I may add to this later. I clearly think I'm going to be a millionaire...

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Look at that weather.

18th August 2010. Pissing it down. Monsoon rains aren't just affecting China you know. Why do we never get a summer? Mind you in all honesty I'd rather drown than burn. It's supposed to be more relaxing. The weather though, they just briefly mentioned it was raining in England and then moved on to the fact that it's sunny in the med. As my Nan said "oh well we'll just go and hang our washing out there shall we?"

     I do hopefully have more interesting subjects to talk about other than the weather though.  Like dogs in the news. Not minging people, go to Jeremy Kyle if you want them, but actual four legged dogs. How many times do we have to hear about a kid who's had their face/hands ripped off before people get some common sense? Keep your kids on a lead. If need be, keep your dogs on a lead. It just made me think when some little shit came running across he road (parents weren't arsed about that either, he didn't stop, look and listen for a kick off) after my mums jack russells. And yes, they were on a lead. But who's fault is it if some little shit then comes running up behind you?

     As it happens he didn't get anywhere near my dogs but if he had, Penny like me hates little shitty kids so god knows what would've happened.  There was one in the news today about a kid who might never see again cos she 'fell in dog dirt'. Jesus Christ, once again keep your kids on a lead but aswell LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING. Dog shit is dog shit, I'm sure even a kid knows what poo looks like and you don't wanna end up in it. And anyway how can a bit of poo in your eye cause blindness? It's just a cover up for summat else I'm telling you. Why should owners always have to pick it up on parks? Yeah it's not the nicest thing to look at but it's biodegradable unlike the litter that you're all always dropping. We have a lack of that on the news, 'Crisp bag slashes kid across the face'. I can hope.

     Well today my dressage show got cancelled. So I'm extra miserable and bitter. I'm actually absolutely devastated. This was the moment that 2010 actually swung round and became a better year as me and Broc bring it back home and start winning things again. But no. On the other hand something pretty serious must have happened to cancel it so I suppose I'll find out tonight. With any luck there'll be many more shows to come and with William.

     Isn't the world so full of couples? Where have all the single people gone?! It is ridiculous! Almost every lesbian I know at least is not single. This confirms my fears that being thrown into singledom a few months ago will be a permanent status due to the shortage of available and single girls. In lesbo land it seems if you don't jump from one partner to another, you've no hope. And those that are single...well most of them I'd rather not know. Jeremy Kyle, that's all I'm saying.

      I suppose it isn't all completely dire and hopeless as it may seem. I have met a couple of nice single lesbians but I suppose anyone in the right mind would run in the opposite direction, especially if they read my ramblings. It's Pride coming up, once again mentioned friend and "crush" said it was just a pulling fest...hmmm.

     But for now I have to walk the dogs all over again...I'll keep you posted.



Tuesday, 17 August 2010


Once again inspired by Annabel I am going to try and list ten songs which my life fully relates to or reflect defining moments in it. Ahem, in no order...

1) Faithless: Insomnia.
It has to go up here. Being 16 and dancing to it in Siberia, begging Rick to play it because it isn't a rock tune. Then at the big build up all the smoke comes out and you lift your arms up in that trance sort of way and then...release. And probably drop your drink. Good times.

2) Xavier Rudd: Stargaze.
This is a very personal song shared with someone I loved very much. All that needs to be said really, I'm in danger of becoming emo.

3) Alicia Keys: Karma
My life is riddled with it. I truly, truly believe in it and you'd be a fool not to. Treat others how you'd want to be treated...unless they've treated you like shit then it's a whole new kettle of fish. Maybe if I hadn't have cheated on that boyfriend twice and ran off with my boss and left my old job in such a way and made that girl cry...blah blah blah. Maybe this year would be different.

4) Sleater Kinney: Jumpers.
This is such a beautifully tragic song (god I really am emo). I think anyone who's ever hated themselves or suffered with depression can relate to this guys story. It don't think it has to be about waiting to kill yourself or whatever, it just as much relates to waiting to feel better.

5) Joy Division: Love Will Tear Us Apart.
It's one thing you can guarantee in life. Every one of my relationships has been torn apart by me or the other person falling for someone else. I just don't know if it's ever gonna be any different.

6) P!nk: Don't Let Me Get Me.
In fact give me any P!nk song and I can relate to it. People say she's just a manufactured pop singer when in fact she's real, she writes her own stuff and covers issues that normal people go through. I've certainly felt like my own worst enemy. 

7) Space: Neighbourhood.
Guaranteed to get me up on any karaoke. Put this on and I'm back in the 90s listening to this on my now cd in my room or blasting it out of my dads car speeding whilst taking my step sister home. Never ever gets old and it's true, the world is full of freaks!

8) ABBA: The Winner Takes It All.
Right, whatever. I LOVE ABBA. Fact. Describes people shitting all over you quite well. People you fully trusted, loved. In such a catchy way. And I absolutely will always love Mamma Mia. Liz's car with Helena singing it on college days of my life.

9) Slipknot: Vermilion. 
This takes me back to being a teenage mosher, full of angst and confusion. Again it is a very personal song which I see about being haunted or obsessed about something or someone that you can't quite ignore. 'She isn't real, she isn't real, I can't make her real'...

10) Queen: We Will Rock You.
Takes me back to watching Queen videos as a kid with my cousin and dressing up as Freddie Mercury. We truly believed we were the only Queen fans out there anymore. This particular song I think fits me putting on a confident front which I do so often. 

That was astonishingly difficult. And it probably isn't even right. 
Song for the future: We Don't Speak Americano. Here's to happier, dancier times. 

17th August 2010

 Ok so apparently the above is now my motto in life... It was meant to be the blog title but with me being a technological retard and all...
     So I was inspired to start blogging my little life and all its happenings by the wonderful Annabel Bowden who is actually such an interesting writer I really shouldn't be attempting this. For a start I never really do anything. Here I am sat in my Mums living room when I have my own flat with my feet up on the coffee table listening to We No Speak Americano and wanting to stop typing for a minute so I can do the dance. So there we have the answer to that constant question the teachers were always asking when you put your feet on anything; "would you do that at home?" well yes. Yes I would. 

     This blog is going to deal with just about everything, I'm a very open person and I don't care what people think of me (well most of them, if my best mate turned round to me and said 'in all seriousness you're a dick' we'd have a bit of an issue on our hands). I struggle with depression and anxiety daily so if you have no time to read about me and such issues, quite frankly you can press the cross in the top right hand corner darling. I am also an out and proud lesbian so if you're a homophobic, likewise.

     A friend turned around to me on a night out once and said that as I am twenty I cannot possibly seriously suffer with such grievances. Which me of course being really quite drunk and a complete drama queen stormed off down piccadilly snivelling and waving my hand in the face of said person. I mean is depression something that is always there or brought on by a series of shit events? Which is basically what 2010 has been for me. 

     The anxiety is something I am genuinely worried about however. It may sound completely stupid but I am gaining a fear of going to sleep. I have recurring nightmares involving spiders. Big ones. Big ones crawling on me, falling on me, on my duvet. At which point I throw the duvet from myself and wake up not being able to breathe and trying to squash the dreamt up spider. If you've ever watched The Haunted Airman, it's like that. And look what happened  to him. He murdered Rachael Stirling. 

     No but seriously I have a horse show in a couple of weeks and I am terrified it's going to cost me big time. The last show I did was a total embarrassment. Marigold took me for a ride. Then the paranoia started; everyone's laughing at me, they're just bored of watching now they want me eliminated. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the fact that I have a psychic ability and knew my ex was going to dump me after it...who knows, maybe if i'd have gone clear then won the open jumping she would've thought twice? nah that's silly. I can never make anyone proud. And anyway a week after I moved out and she's with "Helen*"...coincidence?

     Plus I now have the opportunity of a lifetime for me to look after someone elses horse for nothing. He's very strong though and I'm worried the anxiety will one day take over and he'll take advantage. Anxious about anxiety? Jesus I need to get a grip.

     Another thing on my mind at the moment is people who don't make the effort. Like you make all the effort in the world with them, you love spending time with them and often look upto them in some ways but you get absolutely nothing back. And you wonder, why do I bother? But in actual fact you probably always will, that's the stupid thing. I wish I could be one of these people spoilt for choice with offers of what to do, I mean alright moneys short everywhere but it would be nice to be asked places. I'm struggling to find just one person to come to Pride with me for god sake. Notice how 'Pride' gets a capital and 'god' doesn't. That's because he isn't real like 'santa' and 'non stop sunshine in manchester'. Sorry for shattering any dreams.

     The same friend as earlier actually said that Pride has no culture but I beg to differ. There's a parade, drink, loads of colour, music, art, markets...what more do you want? That defines a cultural event to me, it's fun and you can probably learn something, buy something, get drunk. It doesn't have to make a big stinking political statement.

     I may bang on about Pride a lot but it's actually important to me. It's full of people not caring about anything and having a good time. Which is the situation I could do with being in right now. I can feel part of something and like my sexuality is fully accepted somewhere. Don't get me wrong I'm not all like 'I'm the only gay in the village' but there are clearly certain people who can't come to terms with it and feel like they can't relate to me as much anymore or seem like they're just waiting for me to come to my senses and find 'a nice boy'. The fact is, I really don't like willies. 

     Then comes the question, 'well why do lesbians use strap ons?'. Well basically, a bit of plastic is hardly the same as a fully fledged real human penis which has other functions. Also it stays up constantly and can come in whatever texture, shape, size, pattern you want. Lesbians have it good. Unlucky if you get with a boy you really like and it turns out he has a chode really.

     I'll tell you something that's even more ridiculous though; jobseekers. As it turns out I have a job (just to save myself there) I just haven't been able to start yet. For a kick off by the time they actually approve my claim I will be working. And all my bills will be unpaid. As with the housing, they told me to go to the library to get my documents checked, so I did. The woman looked at me like I'd just shit all over her counter. I mean genuinely, she took a step back and everything. Hand to chest. I felt like giving her a slap with them and walking out there and then. And as it turns out my rent's probably not getting paid either. BUT the point is, I just sat there through my signing on appointment and lied, barefaced. And I am toss at lying. But apparently I can still get over hundred quid every 2 weeks for it. If you can go through that much effort for that, you can get a job.

     But I'm gonna leave you with one final question and a few thoughts like Jerry Springer. Because I am aware that I do bang on a lot and love to talk about myself. 

     Can ex's be friends? Especially if they've hurt you. Well I suppose it may only be a few more days 'til we find out...
'Til next time, remember you can get anything you want for ten dollar. Aslong as you try hard enough.
I hope this blog will change lives.