The true extent of my sadness there. Although I have the excuse that I am saving pennies for Pride.
Ellen Degeneres said in 2000 on her live dvd (watch it it's very good) that we can find all our answers in silence. I'm trying that now as I have a lot of answers which I require. See it's all well and good but there's still cars swishing about in the rain and the window's open cos I'm boiling and I'm typing so then there's that and if there was actual silence anyway I'm scared I would conk out after my 2 and a half koppabergs...
On a continuation from yesterday I didn't ride my beautiful Broc on my riding lesson. No I got the 16.3hh beast that is Bridgit who I rode once absolutely ages ago. Now today we were bringing the cross country indoors. Home made cross country fences out of lay down jumping blocks, straw bales and cones...that sort of terrifying shit. Which I could look at one of two ways: At least it's indoors and not actually outside on the cross country field. I hate cross country.
Well I think even after the very few blogs I've posted you can guess my answer. She absolutely leapt through the cones at full pelt. And tried eating the straw. So things were already bad enough. Then we got to the lay down jumping blocks and jesus wept you've never seen a performance like it. I don't actually know who's panicky breathing was louder mine or Bridgits. This clearly demonstrates the view that the bigger you get the bigger the wimp you are. It took ten minutes of me nearly coming off, her running backwards and round in circles until we finally bombed over it.
And I realised. I knew how to do it. I knew how to ride the horse. I could do it. I was just terrified of falling off and getting hurt. The thing is when I'm about to come off a horse if I can avoid it, I will. I'll cling on for dear life instead of just admitting defeat. And I think this is the oh-so-wrong approach I take with everything in life. Instead of just letting go I kind of just either ignore it, back away from it or try to make everything better. Take me and Kirst for instance. I'd known it was coming for days and it completely ruined my last show, but I wouldn't bring it up and just get it out of the way myself. I just let myself go on crying, struggling, putting on a brave face because I thought that would make everything alright. I need to stop being so afraid of seperating myself from things and hitting the floor because it's just making me afraid to live my life.
Afraid to fall for anyone else because the same thing will happen and I'll never be good enough. Afraid to do cross country or have a good gallop on a horse across a field because I'm afraid I'll end up on the floor. I'm not saying I should just go and like throw myself off buildings or something and expect to live but the point is cotton wool and fear is not the solution.
I don't think I'm worried about seeing her at Pride with her new bird. I've gotten to the point now where I can even watch the video for 'No' that we made and not feel anything. (No it's not a porno, it's her music vid...) It's completely upto her whether she wants to actually make the effort and be friends although at the minute I think her bird has too much pussy control over her. I know she'd hate this, a facebook status about her and she flipped.
As for today there's nothing much to say really. And the fact that it feels like those 2 and a half koppabergs are now sat on my eyelids... The decision was made to go to Amsterdam for my 21st. Red light district, weed, museums, hostels and interesting alcohol. Bring on the good times of 2011 I say.
I will never be more glad to see the end of a year in all of my life.
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