Tuesday, 17 August 2010

17th August 2010

 Ok so apparently the above is now my motto in life... It was meant to be the blog title but with me being a technological retard and all...
     So I was inspired to start blogging my little life and all its happenings by the wonderful Annabel Bowden who is actually such an interesting writer I really shouldn't be attempting this. For a start I never really do anything. Here I am sat in my Mums living room when I have my own flat with my feet up on the coffee table listening to We No Speak Americano and wanting to stop typing for a minute so I can do the dance. So there we have the answer to that constant question the teachers were always asking when you put your feet on anything; "would you do that at home?" well yes. Yes I would. 

     This blog is going to deal with just about everything, I'm a very open person and I don't care what people think of me (well most of them, if my best mate turned round to me and said 'in all seriousness you're a dick' we'd have a bit of an issue on our hands). I struggle with depression and anxiety daily so if you have no time to read about me and such issues, quite frankly you can press the cross in the top right hand corner darling. I am also an out and proud lesbian so if you're a homophobic, likewise.

     A friend turned around to me on a night out once and said that as I am twenty I cannot possibly seriously suffer with such grievances. Which me of course being really quite drunk and a complete drama queen stormed off down piccadilly snivelling and waving my hand in the face of said person. I mean is depression something that is always there or brought on by a series of shit events? Which is basically what 2010 has been for me. 

     The anxiety is something I am genuinely worried about however. It may sound completely stupid but I am gaining a fear of going to sleep. I have recurring nightmares involving spiders. Big ones. Big ones crawling on me, falling on me, on my duvet. At which point I throw the duvet from myself and wake up not being able to breathe and trying to squash the dreamt up spider. If you've ever watched The Haunted Airman, it's like that. And look what happened  to him. He murdered Rachael Stirling. 

     No but seriously I have a horse show in a couple of weeks and I am terrified it's going to cost me big time. The last show I did was a total embarrassment. Marigold took me for a ride. Then the paranoia started; everyone's laughing at me, they're just bored of watching now they want me eliminated. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the fact that I have a psychic ability and knew my ex was going to dump me after it...who knows, maybe if i'd have gone clear then won the open jumping she would've thought twice? nah that's silly. I can never make anyone proud. And anyway a week after I moved out and she's with "Helen*"...coincidence?

     Plus I now have the opportunity of a lifetime for me to look after someone elses horse for nothing. He's very strong though and I'm worried the anxiety will one day take over and he'll take advantage. Anxious about anxiety? Jesus I need to get a grip.

     Another thing on my mind at the moment is people who don't make the effort. Like you make all the effort in the world with them, you love spending time with them and often look upto them in some ways but you get absolutely nothing back. And you wonder, why do I bother? But in actual fact you probably always will, that's the stupid thing. I wish I could be one of these people spoilt for choice with offers of what to do, I mean alright moneys short everywhere but it would be nice to be asked places. I'm struggling to find just one person to come to Pride with me for god sake. Notice how 'Pride' gets a capital and 'god' doesn't. That's because he isn't real like 'santa' and 'non stop sunshine in manchester'. Sorry for shattering any dreams.

     The same friend as earlier actually said that Pride has no culture but I beg to differ. There's a parade, drink, loads of colour, music, art, markets...what more do you want? That defines a cultural event to me, it's fun and you can probably learn something, buy something, get drunk. It doesn't have to make a big stinking political statement.

     I may bang on about Pride a lot but it's actually important to me. It's full of people not caring about anything and having a good time. Which is the situation I could do with being in right now. I can feel part of something and like my sexuality is fully accepted somewhere. Don't get me wrong I'm not all like 'I'm the only gay in the village' but there are clearly certain people who can't come to terms with it and feel like they can't relate to me as much anymore or seem like they're just waiting for me to come to my senses and find 'a nice boy'. The fact is, I really don't like willies. 

     Then comes the question, 'well why do lesbians use strap ons?'. Well basically, a bit of plastic is hardly the same as a fully fledged real human penis which has other functions. Also it stays up constantly and can come in whatever texture, shape, size, pattern you want. Lesbians have it good. Unlucky if you get with a boy you really like and it turns out he has a chode really.

     I'll tell you something that's even more ridiculous though; jobseekers. As it turns out I have a job (just to save myself there) I just haven't been able to start yet. For a kick off by the time they actually approve my claim I will be working. And all my bills will be unpaid. As with the housing, they told me to go to the library to get my documents checked, so I did. The woman looked at me like I'd just shit all over her counter. I mean genuinely, she took a step back and everything. Hand to chest. I felt like giving her a slap with them and walking out there and then. And as it turns out my rent's probably not getting paid either. BUT the point is, I just sat there through my signing on appointment and lied, barefaced. And I am toss at lying. But apparently I can still get over hundred quid every 2 weeks for it. If you can go through that much effort for that, you can get a job.

     But I'm gonna leave you with one final question and a few thoughts like Jerry Springer. Because I am aware that I do bang on a lot and love to talk about myself. 

     Can ex's be friends? Especially if they've hurt you. Well I suppose it may only be a few more days 'til we find out...
'Til next time, remember you can get anything you want for ten dollar. Aslong as you try hard enough.
I hope this blog will change lives.

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