Sunday, 26 September 2010


Hello again.
Once again I'll keep this brief as I have a headache and a thirteen hour shift waiting for me tomorrow. Boohoo.
Bit cheerier over the last couple of days. The girl wasn't ignoring me, her phone sent all my texts through at once like 5 days later :| this makes me unsure of whether to get a blackberry. But let's face it, I probably will anyway. We're going out wednesday night :)
The new job is still AWESOME. Still getting on with everyone, still haven't made any major boo boos or killed anyone. In fact some seem to have taken a shine to me. Even doing peg feeds and meds on my own! ey up.
It's officially down to me with William now. Well not entirely but you know what I mean. Nervous? Yes. Excited? Yes. I think so far I have been underestimated with what I've ridden and what I've coped with which is making me doubt myself so I'll definitely needs to be getting in the saddle asoften as possible and keeping up with lessons. The aim after all is to get my own next year, o at least have my name down for one anyway.
Payday on thurs, will my trouble be over or will it be worse? Who knows.

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

How small have penguins got?

Seriously what a rip.
Anyway I'll keep this quite brief. Last week or so felt like absolute toss, probably due to the fact that everyone under the sun is ignoring me. Including the most important girl of them all which is making me paranoid about what I've done for sure.  I always scare them off in the end.
I've been really down and angry and it's making me wonder if the tablets are having any effect anymore. Clearly the NHS doesn't care enough to getme counselling, it's been 4 months and nothing. Bag of shit. Gonna start going to the gym hopefully, see if that helps.
So yeah, I'm invisible. It's like being patrick swayze in ghost.
Not seen William for a while. Just leaving it 'til it's actually down to me to be honest, can't be arsed with people who are gonna fuck me around.
Might have to give my ridinglesson up which I'm really gutted about but now I have a career  can hardly ask for every wednesday night off. Going to have to look into a private or somewhere I can take William.
The only one upside to all this is that I LOVE my new job. I didn't think I would and I didn't think I'd be able to cope with half the challenges thrown at me but I am. Which is really positive. Te only time I'm really content is at work which is why I've already put my name down for overtime. That and because I'm over a grand in debt which needs paying back like now. At 20 years old.
Man, I'm just bored of life. "How can you get bored of life you never know what's coming."
Well yes, yes I do. More shit.

Friday, 10 September 2010

More music...

Which has had some sort of impact upon me in my time...

Simian Mobile Disco Feat. Beth Ditto: Crual Intentions
Everybody who I meet has them.
And this song kind of displays this and maybe how the other person has no idea and is really into you. It's an upbeat but pretty dark song in my opinion, my favourite kind.

Ben E King:Stand by Me.
Makes me cry everytime I hear it.
Just alls you want in life really int it. But so far alls who seems to do this is select family and animals.
Had a lot of fun performing this in year 8 music aswell...on a frigging keyboard.
Also one of my favourite performances Kirsty ever did.

Cee-Lo Green: No One's Gonna Love You
I know this is a cover but I like this version a lot better.
It's such a beautiful song. I want it as the first dance at my wedding. Not too cheesy and not too obvious. 'No one's every gonna love you more than I do...'

Chicane:Don't Give Up
Speaks for itself really.
Makes you think when you're down.
'Don't worry if the sun don't shine, you've seen it before, you don't have to worry'.

Whiskey In the Jar
...the Irish version whoever that was. So many memories from a very drunk and rowdy Paddys day.

Damien Rice: 9 Crimes
Can totally mellow out to this song and think.
It gives you a bit of a conscience I think aswell.

Daniel Merriweather:Chainsaw
'Giving myself to you is like giving myself to a chainsaw'.
Love you always.

David Guetta: Sexy Bitch
Never ever fails to make me sing and bust a move no matter where I am.
The summer tune of all summer tunes.
It's such a euphoric song to have on when you're out, it just makes everyone happy.
I don't care if it's just some cheesy dance track, man it's good.

Yolanda Be Cool: We No Speak Americano
Already legendary.
Back when it was all good at m1lkshake this is all I wanted to hear through my day so we could crack our little dance out.

Deftones: Back To School
Blast from the past and I still love it.
Get it on in Siberia and mosh. Get it on at Annabels parties and mosh.

Bullet for my Valentine: All these things I hate
Another old tune.
But I think to me it's about being your own worst enemy and getting yourself into shit situations which I seem to be so good at.

Destinys Child: Bills Bills Bills
So many skanks about in the world who just use you.
This song is about them. Using your money in particular. Just joy riding.
Fuck them.

Dolly Parton:Jolene
Beautiful. Absolutely stunning.
Think it goes for any relationship kind of situation where you've got someone who you know is interested in your partner and there's nothing you can do. You feel powerless and you have that horrid waiting about to see who's going to 'win'.

Edith Piaf: Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien
You can't regret things.
Or you're life will be shit.

Eminem: Stan
I love nearly everything this guy has ever done.
This one in particular though. It's so dark and original, I don't think there's anything else like it.
I remember when my Mum and Dad had the Marshall Mathers LP when I was younger and wouldn't let me listen to it. I did anyway. And I'm glad.
Feeling ignored, invisible, insignificant, depressed. Yep, been there.

Florence + The Machine: Girl With One Eye
It's amazing. Why shouldn't you have revenge on someone who's fucked you over? They won't do it again.

Foo Fighters: Everlong
Buzzed off seeing this live, such an atmosphere.
It's about how you feel when you're happy, you just want everything to stay the same. Change is not welcome.

Fugees: Killing me softly
Ever had that someone who you're just so in love with? Doesn't matter what they do, you're just in love with it. You relate to them completely. And in a way, you're scared.

Garbage: Stupid Girl
Loved these so much when I was younger. I idolised Shirley Manson. In the end, I did get her hair and got bored of it.
It's about fake people. But I take it as a song for when you've fucked up and you're annoyed at yourself.

George Michael:Faith
The resemblence was scarily uncanny. It was a hilarious night.
I want more times like that.

Gossip:Standing in the way of control
Being gay, naturally I love this song. Being out and proud. Fuck all those people who get in your way.
When we saw it live, Beth said if there was one thing she's glad she did say it's this.

Happy Mondays-Step on.
Some good dance moves were busted back in the sibs days with me and Nick when you could smoke in there. That's how far back it was. I feel old now.
hilarious time though. I wanna crack some sort of monkey dance out everytime I hear it.

Incubus: Anna Molly
First song I ever heard by them, I know shocking. And still my favourite and I'm not sure why. Think it's to do with the video, it was very intrigueing. A stranger finding another stranger dead and it being so upsetting that no one knew anything about her. Hmm.

Jamie T: Sheila
To some he's annoying, to some he's a genius. Argue amonst oneselves.
I just think it sounds like a typical song about an argument between a couple and the girl going out and getting pissed afterwards. And then she dies.

Joy Division: She's Lost Control
This song was written about me. The end.

Kelis: 4th July
This song meant nothing until the other week when I saw it live.
Yes it was amazing but it holds some darker memories of what was going on at the time. dyke drama. it was like something of skins where they think it's clever to add juxta position with music.

Kirsty Stephens: No
So ironic that I wrote and filmed the video to this and the situation kind of rolled out in real life. 'And I don't know how to treat you after lying like that.' 'Why do I bother with you?' 'why do i treat you so good when you're always doing me wrong?' 'Everytime I see you I just want you to take me home.' urgh. Been in this situation much then?

La Roux: Quicksand
I don't know how this girl has the front to say she's not gay or even bi because this is the dykiest song I've ever heard. 'I'm the obsessor holding your hand, it seems you have forgotten about your man, alone in the darkness, my bed's a different land'. Yeah La Roux whatevs. It's just a typical lesbian situation about a straight girl crush and how it plays with your emotions.

Lady GaGa: Bad Romance
HATED this when it first came out and then it grew on me. Which is always the type of song that sticks. Yeah yeah it's catchy, it's great to go out to and have a sing and a dance. But she's such a clever writer. You crave the bad ones because it's exciting and when you're in love you don't care about their feelings you just want more than friendship.

Lady Sovereign: Love me or Hate me
Great car song. Great few memories playing it in the car, badass.
Speaks for itself though again, shouldn't care about other people's opinions. Just get on with it.

Lighthouse Family: Ain't no Sunshine
I could have sex with this song. It's so true though. It's horrible to miss someone like that, even if they've only been gone for 5 minutes.
Thing is, you need that. It makes things stronger. I've learnt this now.

M.I.A: 10 dollar
This woman is an idol. Bow down.
so original and so clever. I love how this incorporates the indian bit. But it's about money being no object, if you want something bad enough, you can get it.

Melissa Ferrick: Love Song
'How strange a request for a love song, and I don't even know how to sing one'. For when you can't express your feelings, you just have them and that's all there is to it. 'I am sorry that you cannot make you fall in love with my love song'...

Melissa Ferrick: Drive
The hottest song you will ever listen to. it will make you horny just listening to the riff.
So yeah it's about sexual needs and fantasies and someone who fulfils them....

Muse: Bliss
I think this song is gorgeous. It's like viewing the person you're in love with as some sort of angel, it's an obsession, it's an addiction.

My chemical romance: Demolition Lovers
ARSED. They were a good band back in the day, some good lyrics.
I'm not sure if I've been that in love with someone that you would die for them. Maybe that you would run away with them...but man, I think this song's romantic.

Mya: Case of the ex
Explains everyone's paranoia.
I listen to this when I'm thinking about everything that's happened. I am not like this but hey, how does whateevr she's called know that ey.

Nirvana: You know you're right
I love Kurt Cobains voice.
'Things have never been so swell, I have never felt this well'
it's so sarcastic, like when you're putting on a front because you have to.

Do you know you're hurting me? This is the main issue in this song. Everybody can relate to that. It  makes you think about everything so much, like everything.

No Doubt: Don't Speak
I remember buying this on tape. Gwen Stefani will forever be my ultimate idol. If I look that good when I've had 2 kids and I;m in my 40s I'll let all the shit that's happened go.
It's when you don;t want to hear something because it's going to hurt you, you want to hold onto the good times. I think I'd rather read people than listen to them sometimes.

P!nk: Please don't leave me
So personal.
And SUCH bullshit. I never would have but in the end it was me who was singing this.

Saw this live at the MEN and cried. It was the most stunning pserformance of anything i have ever seen.
It's is good to be sober though sometimes. Then at least you can think straight. But sometimes, you just want to forget it all.

Peaches: Fuck the pain away
A classic. Brilliant to dance to. Makes me feel fucked just hearing it though.

Placebo: The Bitter End
Seems that everyone I ever drift from or lose has some sort of bitterness attached. I don't want it but I've begun to get used to it and grow to expect it.

Prince: When doves cry
You've had an argument with someone, and you just question what you've done and why you've argued. And it's horrible.
But he makes it sound so sexy.

Prodigy: Take me to the hospital
This is my angry song of late.
I don't know what it is, it's just dark.

I am now tired and shall retire and probably continue tomorrow...

Back down with a bump.

William was wonderful yesterday. Went on a ride out, was an angel and didn't spook once. Then went in the school and did our first little jumping sesh :)
Lou thinks we're going to make a good team. I hope so.
I was so happy yesterday.

And then today a fucking taxi driver went right into the side of my car, liek whilst we were driving along in the piss rain at 30 miles an hour on a dual carriageway. He was trying to understake a learner and clearly didn't check his mirrors the prick. Got a big bump in the side of my car and I'm a bit shaken. We think we've found him anyway so hopefully it'll all get sorted. Why is life such a bitch and why does it feel the need to remind you all the fucking time?

Stressed now. Just want to go out really and not be on my own, can feel a depressive mood coming on but no one's arsed as per.

Monday, 6 September 2010

Why do they always run at me?

Big dirty spider that is. Lucikly my Dad pulld off a superman worthy swoop and got it
before it ran oer my foot. Best not be any waiting for me at home.

AND...I got a date I got a date...without a date :S as in calendar date not person. Well, it's a drink. But I like her.  And she's obviously not running from me which is a start. And she's gay. And she's one of the four. God I make myself sound bad...We shall see but :D good times all round. Can't wait. Just hope I have the money at the time...but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

William was rather excellent yesterday :) got my first couple of blisters on my hands, proud times. Hope I'm doing well on him. I also hope something comes up for my sister, point one because I know how much she loves horses and how capable she is but point two because I think it would drive me mad to have a constant cling on and a constant face everytime she can't come, she can't ride or I want to go on my own.

Our local shithole club Siberia is closing next week, end of an era. From the ages 16-18 I actually lived there. I was there every wednesday without fail. So next wednesday for old times, we're off there to cause some trouble, throw some shapes and get so drunk we probably fall over like old times. I just hope I'm not in work at silly oclock thee next day...

God corrie are really over doing with the gayness now...first gay kiss, sophie and sian and now ken's grandson whoever he is has just come out. You can be too diverse you know.
And now Tyrone and the ambulance have turned up just as the babys coming out of mollys fanny. As if. 'Oh my god it's him!' nahh mate, it's ken barlow, who the frig did you think was gonna be coming out from down there?!

I got a bit excited before cos I thought I might have to sell Molly cos car insurance is just a joke these days and I was totally gonna buy Bob but then direct line saved the day...ah well, maybe one day I'll drive out of bury...

Time to take your own advice.

"  Shabby has declared that she loves Caoimhe and, after questioning the motives behind her flirtatious behaviour, has decided to confront her on how she truly feels.

After drinking some of the alcohol provided by Big Brother earlier on tonight, Caoimhe and Shabby started playfighting while waiting for the Diary Room, during which they hugged and kissed. When the two went to talk to Big Brother, Caoimhe was asked to leave the Diary Room to clean one of the bathroom mirrors that the pair had drawn on with toothpaste. When Shabby came to join her, she revealed that she had made "lustful comments" about her in the Diary Room, which Caoimhe appeared to be clearly uncomfortable with.

The duo were later sat in the garden talking to Ife when Caoimhe grabbed Shabby's breasts, causing her to march angrily back into the house. After sarcastically praising Shabby for lasting an hour without storming off, Ife grabbed Caoimhe and told her that she had to be careful with how she acts around Shabby.

"You just don’t know how things can be edited," Ife stressed. "You don’t want to be seen as leading someone on."

Caoimhe thanked Ife but said that she was going to bed, stating: "I can't be arsed with this shit."

She was joined in bed by Shabby and the two appeared to be straightening things out, until the 24-year-old squatter headed back out into the main house.

"It's just so hard," Caoimhe told Nathan, who was resting in the bed opposite. "I don’t realise that she feels like that anymore. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to just back off?

"I'm probably going to be portrayed as a fucking lesbian…I've forgotten about what she's said to me, I don’t register, I don’t believe it. She doesn’t flirt with me, we’re just good friends.  "

Rule Number 1  Shabby, never get yourself a straight girl crush. It's never going anywhere good.

Friday, 3 September 2010

At one.

No nothing in particular is happening at one, I'm just at one with the world. Which seems a less likely story in my life these days. Let's revel in it. Anything you need to talk to me about, do it now. 

I even watched Titanic before and that couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I just thought, imagine dealing with that in your life? Thank god I don't have to, see it could be so much worse. I have these days once in a blue moon, I'll be back to my old bitter self tomorrow over something or other. I'm even listening to Joy Division right now, apparently it is possible to do that and be happy. 

Woke up this morning hand had a voicemail from priory. Rang them back, references received and understood and i start next monday. I can get on the payroll for end of september aswell :) very large relief. So so nervous though. I really hope I don't fuck up or say anything stupid like i usually do. It's not milkshakes at risk in this job, it's lives. Man that was deep.

Anyway, then I phoned the job centre and I will be getting my housing benefit and job seekers for the brief and horrid time I was unemployed. Get in. Tax payers can pay my Nan back, nice one. Well, you do owe me one by now guys.

Then I went to see William. Bring him in, groom him, give him his tea, do a few stable jobs. I'm in my element. I love him already. I just feel so chilled and peaceful when I'm with him. Like none of my problems matter and I can just relax. I also love the smell of hoof oil. I probably shouldn't sniff it too much, it probably has a similar effect to poppers. Or crack, who knows. I think we're getting on well though. He came to me as soon as he saw me in the field today, so proud. He probably thought he was going on another hack and getting all excited bless him cos his best pal tried to follow. Tomorrow maybe, weather permitting. And he best behave haha. I think this is going to be good times.

Then I've had an invite out tomorrow, party time with Lauren, so excited. I love our party time. No drama just laughs, moves and drunk chatting shit. 

Citalopram is the shit.

And it's not really bothering me that my love life seems to be a dying spark right now. It's too complicated. It's not like i have a shortage of people I like. it's just on has a girlfriend and isn't interested, one has a girlfriend and is very interested (see do I just go back to my old ways and just do it anyway? Fuck karma in the arse, it's done it enough times to me this year?), one is in denial about being obsessed with her ex and the other lives a bit far away and is a possible commitment phobe. But I'm not sure I mind that. God knows what state of mind I'm in. And might I add, she is very hot.

Anyway as you can see it's a headache. As the pussycat dolls once said 'I don't need a woman'...or something to that effect. But it would be nice to hit the jackpot...

Thursday, 2 September 2010

Can exs be friends?

Well no, no they can't. Number deleted. Still on facebook because I am far too nosey for my own good. And to think I was naive enough to think we had a strong enough friendship to not allow any bitch to come between us because she sees me as a threat. But why thankyou for the compliment. I am rather hot aren't I.

So apparently my references are sent off to priory. We will see about this. I love how my Dad went round there all salford style I really do. I just want to start now and get myself some dids.

cos to be honest at the minute I could have a love life. But no money does kind of massively dent that. And in a weeks time i will also have no car because I have no money to insure it. I am going to go completely insane. On the upside, my legs might get even more ripped from walking everywhere.

I really want to ask this girl number 2 to come out somewhere, but I'd clearly have to whore myself to get there. Fuck M1lkshake. Fuck Papermill. Fuck jobseekers. I am now also in over a grands worth of debt and i am 20 years young. I love my life.

Girl number 1 though, despite the's probably still gonna happen and I wouldn't mind. She's just not girlfriend material.

Seem to be seeing less and less of William :/ I've been going up on  my own seeing as this yard seems to be showing it's bitchy side already. I don't take shit. I won't stand for it. I am quite content with going somewhere, putting my music on and not speaking to anyone. Going out on my own...chilling with the horse. I can have a perfectly good chat with him and I'm sure he won't comment on my riding like he's the be all and end all in the sport. 

In other riding news, I want Bob from Ryders. He's only four but he's got manners of gold, tries his best at everything and is showing promising potential. I'm just not sure of my saving skills and I'm pretty positive some bugger will get there first like with Red.

Anyway my cat's done a shit so i better go and clean it. That's the reality of my life. Sigh.