Proud of what.

Proud of messing me about or being a child and shoving me into people obviously. Proud of dyke drama? No thankyou. I'm not with her anymore, don't want to be and certainly didn't sleep with her when you two were together. Sort it out, you're clearly still in love with her. Which has been the motto all weekend as it happens.
Yeah Pride wasn't that much to write home about. Total dissapointment, endless getting ditched and talking to people I didn't know who didn't seem to want to know me either.


I watched the bit of the parade I did catch on my own...blah blah bollocks.
Kelis was well worth going to see, got so near the front and she was an absolute babe. 


But now I've come home crying feeling like no one gives a shit, this week is going to be an absolute trial and a piss take with all my bills due and about 40p to my name...


And then I remembered in the last hour or so of what's been a pretty shit and expensive weekend, I met a stunning girl who is absolutely lovely and not into ditching people and messing them around at all. And suddenly 20 pound for the ticket and 18.50 to get not even all the way home seemed like a bargain. 

Language Timothy.

Godammit i need to get a grip. Today I'm a anxious wreck. I've had many a stress including one at a tit in the mini infront of me on the way to tesco with my Nan in the car. I even put my head out the window after noticing they had theirs down. She didn't appreciate the language. Bloody references have to be sent out AGAIN so I bet the Priory are just gonna give up on me and tell me to get fucked. My rent and all my bills are due next week and i have a grand total of 7 pounds in my bank. Nice one. At least I can get to Pride at least twice at the weekend. ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...who the fuck am I kidding, I'm the biggest pessimist and stress head going.


Last night I rode Bridgit again and not Mr Handsome Gypsy which I was totally gutted about. Everybody loves Gypsy, it's a Ryders farm fact. But there was a point to me riding him, not just a special treat. I was going to work on keeping my leg still because he's so sensitive. So I'm a little bit pissed off, i saw Bridgit written over tippex in the diary so I know their game. Turns out we got on a lot better this week and she was ace at flexing, we clearly did the best. Well that's my opinion, thousands would probably disagree. William would be dead good at that exercise, might try him at it in a bit when I go up to see him :) I hope he'll have a calming affect on me for the sake of my sanity this weekend.


I hope that nothing else goes wrong this weekend. i have quite a few people to meet and say iyer to now and introduce Lauren to and get drunk with so so far, good times are forecast. Aswell as with the weather it would appear. Couple of showers here and there but mostly dry, SCORE. Big improvement on last years wash out with any luck. 


I just wanna dance everything away this weekend, I know that sounds gay. I'm not even that bothered about getting majorly pissed (although i probably still will) but the most important thing is to have a reyt good laugh, meet new people and for me and Lauren to just forget all the shit that's happened and have a good time. And to see Kelis, obv.


Another thing I'm really excited about is meeting up with a certain someone who I'm not going to say much about but I am very much looking forward to it :)


Got randomly given some flyers yesterday and it turns out after whinging about wanting to see MIA and it turns out she's playing warehouse project this year!...but it's sold out! Never fear The Pole will know someone who knows someone...and if she doesn't I'll be hugely dissapointed. 


I had a brew with a mate I've not seen for ages yesterday and do you know what it was dead nice. Not at all awkward or weird like you might expect when you've not seen someone for ages and it just made me wonder if i've been making the effort with all the wrong people for quite a long time now. It seems that I've had some people coming back into my life who never should've been out of it, and maybe there's certain people who I need space and a bit of time from after getting so wound up or neglected. Cause for though I think.


In other news, my Nan writes the script for Doctors. I wanted to see if this drowning woman died in this river and she said nahh she won't Jimmy will come and drag her out and save her. I don't even know another Jimmy other than my Dad to be honest but it turns out that's exactly what happened. I think I'll start listening to my Nan more.

I'd rather be with a horse.

I haven't written for a couple of days, mainly cos nout's happened. Let's be honest about these things, my life is boring.


Oh sweet jesus new NSPCC ad...it's laughable. The pretenders are hardly charity music. God i hate the NSPCC.


I have decided I am doing mays great manchester run in aid of the Thoroughbred Rehabilitation Centre. They're an amazing charity getting ex-racehorses to settle into an ordinary life and rehome them instead of putting them down, selling them for meat or dumping them. As you can see, I am not a fan of racing. Now to work towards training!


Anyway, distracted. On saturday I went down to the farm to see William :) I walked whilst Lizzie rode and he was a star! Dead calm. Even when some absolute twats on motorbikes were whizzing around. They're not even meant to be there, it's bridleways. People walk and ride horse around them dirtracks. End of. These rally dick heads are another form of human being I can't stand, no consideration for anyone. One of them even when we shouted to stop because there was horses carried on coming up behind us and whizzing up the path beside us. Someone actually could have been killed. If William was spooky he'd have been off and his rider left on the floor. Arseholes, they expect so much respect on the roads but we get fuck all back off them. it's alright son I've written to the bury times and if I see you in my car you'll get it. Suck on that.


Then I gave him a groom which he seems to appreciate by swishing his tails about ENDLESSLY as if to say omg one didn't know I had this many hairs (William would be posh, possibly a pimp or a poof we haven't quite decided yet. Although I have some lovely bows which might be that decider...) We went to see Nanerz in the field who is Lizzies other one who's an actually massive psycho but very cute and only 5, bless him. He walked with me for a bit and then gave us the eyes so we had to bring him in and occupy him for a bit.


This didn't take long as when Lizzie lunged him he basically bronked, pulled her round the school and generally didn't want to do much. It's a shame for him really cos he could be such a beautiful horse, i hope he finds the right rider. If I had the time and the patience he'd be a good project and something I could show a lot of pride in. I wanna try out the martin clunes approach! Well what he learnt about being a grizzly bear and being the protector anyway. I could do that.


Lizzie was on about going to clifton in september, I hope we do. Show all them little shits from ryders how it's done!


I hope I start my new job next week, seriously I hate daytime telly. Who even is michael ball? he's a dick head that's who. If it's not him it's alan titchmarsh and if it's not him it's loose women. A load of menapausal woman talking about sex and things they think that matters and thinking they're controversial, whenever they think they've made a valid point they give out that smug, satisfied horrid face. No love, maybe that would have been relevant or controversial in the 50s but definitely not now you wrinkley, baggy fannied tarts. Ahem...


I am extremely frustrated with the lack of work and social life as you can see. Hopefully pride will sort me out. Sammie told me she couldn't come last night and I actually cried. my life was over. Deep, I know. But Lauren has saved the day and hopefully I shall meet a nice girl there and live happily ever after...aha. I'm losing it. I've even started to try online dating...well sort of, In the hope to find single lesbians. Don't look down on me, you know you've all added someone on facebook you thought was hot for that reason. Well it's like that except you all know what you're there for so it's less awkward. Don't worry however I'm not a freak, 'do you wanna go on webcam bbz?' 'CYBER???!', 'threesome??!'...err no thanks I'm just trying to have bigger friends circle and maybe meet a real life nice girl, broaden my horizons. 


Sorry but Colin and Justin where have they dug you up from and why are you discussing kids? What do you two queers know about kids?? (I can say it, I'm gay. It's like the N bomb.) ARGH I HATE IT.


I'D RATHER BE WITH A HORSE.

Sweet Charity.

So I want to do some kind of event/s next year for charity. But to avoid the main charities who basically support cancer and various illnesses, kids, old people and cats & dogs is proving very difficult to do. 
     Plus I'm not even sure about the kind of event I'd want to do. A walk would be good but it doesn't excite people into sponsoring you or thinking it's going to be particularly hard. A run, now I don't know whether I could handle that at all. I'd have to train for ages and even then, I hated cross country in school or doing the sports day runs. I completely died after about 100m guaranteed. 
    Then there's cycling, I reckon I wouldn't be bad at that after randomly cycling 16 miles in Menorca last year and dealing with it. But I don't have a bike. I could get one I suppose. Again, there's just shitloads for the mainstream charities who spend all their bloody money on putting adverts with crying children on whilst you're having your tea that you never pay any attention to anyway.
    
     Then there's the idea of making my own...ahaa. Could be a complete success and then again...no one could turn up or it could just go tits up in some other way. I'd really like to do it though. I'm just scared it'll be one of those things I always say I'm going to do then never do. I'm quite bad for that me. 
    Bt what would I organise and how? I'd love to do a ride for life, you never get any of those. Imagine how easy it would be to get press. But it's the routes that are going to be the  problem. I'm not familiar with many hacking routes round here so I'd have to really do my research. And possibly get a sat nav. Then there's permission from the council possibly...and THAT is a massive ache in the balls. 
     OR I could organise a horse show at one of my yards. Not too difficult to do I suppose it's just getting people to take part and finding an unbiased judge who doesn't want paying for the privilege. 
...hmm let me know your thoughts. 
TBC.

Out at 7, home by 9.

The true extent of my sadness there. Although I have the excuse that I am saving pennies for Pride. 


     Ellen Degeneres said in 2000 on her live dvd (watch it it's very good) that we can find all our answers in silence. I'm trying that now as I have a lot of answers which I require. See it's all well and good but there's still cars swishing about in the rain and the window's open cos I'm boiling and I'm typing so then there's that and if there was actual silence anyway I'm scared I would conk out after my 2 and a half koppabergs...


     On a continuation from yesterday I didn't ride my beautiful Broc on my riding lesson. No I got the 16.3hh beast that is Bridgit who I rode once absolutely ages ago. Now today we were bringing the cross country indoors. Home made cross country fences out of lay down jumping blocks, straw bales and cones...that sort of terrifying shit. Which I could look at one of two ways: At least it's indoors and not actually outside on the cross country field. I hate cross country.


     Well I think even after the very few blogs I've posted you can guess my answer. She absolutely leapt through the cones at full pelt. And tried eating the straw. So things were already bad enough. Then we got to the lay down jumping blocks and jesus wept you've never seen a performance like it. I don't actually know who's panicky breathing was louder mine or Bridgits. This clearly demonstrates the view that the bigger you get the bigger the wimp you are. It took ten minutes of me nearly coming off, her running backwards and round in circles until we finally bombed over it. 


    And I realised. I knew how to do it. I knew how to ride the horse. I could do it. I was just terrified of falling off and getting hurt. The thing is when I'm about to come off  a horse if I can avoid it, I will. I'll cling on for dear life instead of just admitting defeat. And I think this is the oh-so-wrong approach I take with everything in life. Instead of just letting go I kind of just either ignore it, back away from it or try to make everything better. Take me and Kirst for instance. I'd known it was coming for days and it completely ruined my last show, but I wouldn't bring it up and just get it out of the way myself. I just let myself go on crying, struggling, putting on a brave face because I thought that would make everything alright. I need to stop being so afraid of seperating myself from things and hitting the floor because it's just making me afraid to live my life. 


     Afraid to fall for anyone else because the same thing will happen and I'll never be good enough. Afraid to do cross country or have a good gallop on a horse across a field because I'm afraid I'll end up on the floor. I'm not saying I should just go and like throw myself off buildings or something and expect to live but the point is cotton wool and fear is not the solution. 


     I don't think I'm worried about seeing her at Pride with her new bird. I've gotten to the point now where I can even watch the video for 'No' that we made and not feel anything. (No it's not a porno, it's her music vid...) It's completely upto her whether she wants to actually make the effort and be friends although at the minute I think her bird has too much pussy control over her. I know she'd hate this, a facebook status about her and she flipped.


     As for today there's nothing much to say really. And the fact that it feels like those 2 and a half koppabergs are now sat on my eyelids... The decision was made to go to Amsterdam for my 21st. Red light district, weed, museums, hostels and interesting alcohol. Bring on the good times of 2011 I say.


     I will never be more glad to see the end of a year in all of my life.

A List.

This is just basically going to be a list of things I want to buy when I start my new job and my bank next sees money...can I get a 'In your dreams'?!


1) Car Insurance.
2) A new flat screen tv.
3) A new phone which does not break every month.
4) A wii.
5) Subscriptions to Diva, Horse&Rider and Horse magazines.
6) Simon Amstells new live dvd when it comes out.
7) Canvas pictures for my flat.
8) A big gold mirror for the bedroom.
9) Red paint for the bedroom feature wall.
10) Magnolia paint to go over everywhere that got scratched by us trying to get that couch in.
11) A couch instead of 2 chairs.
12) Many t-shirts from truffle shuffle.
13) A new tattoo.
14) Many dvds from Amazon to expand my already large collection.
15) A pair of muckers for when I go and  do William.
16) A horse riding holiday/training programme.
17) A weekly or fortnightly private lesson, preferably with William.
18) More toys and fun stuff for Coco to do when I'm out.
19) Get those speakers fitted in my car! And black the back windows out.
20) A gym membership to train for da po-lice.


...I may add to this later. I clearly think I'm going to be a millionaire...

Look at that weather.

18th August 2010. Pissing it down. Monsoon rains aren't just affecting China you know. Why do we never get a summer? Mind you in all honesty I'd rather drown than burn. It's supposed to be more relaxing. The weather though, they just briefly mentioned it was raining in England and then moved on to the fact that it's sunny in the med. As my Nan said "oh well we'll just go and hang our washing out there shall we?"


     I do hopefully have more interesting subjects to talk about other than the weather though.  Like dogs in the news. Not minging people, go to Jeremy Kyle if you want them, but actual four legged dogs. How many times do we have to hear about a kid who's had their face/hands ripped off before people get some common sense? Keep your kids on a lead. If need be, keep your dogs on a lead. It just made me think when some little shit came running across he road (parents weren't arsed about that either, he didn't stop, look and listen for a kick off) after my mums jack russells. And yes, they were on a lead. But who's fault is it if some little shit then comes running up behind you?


     As it happens he didn't get anywhere near my dogs but if he had, Penny like me hates little shitty kids so god knows what would've happened.  There was one in the news today about a kid who might never see again cos she 'fell in dog dirt'. Jesus Christ, once again keep your kids on a lead but aswell LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING. Dog shit is dog shit, I'm sure even a kid knows what poo looks like and you don't wanna end up in it. And anyway how can a bit of poo in your eye cause blindness? It's just a cover up for summat else I'm telling you. Why should owners always have to pick it up on parks? Yeah it's not the nicest thing to look at but it's biodegradable unlike the litter that you're all always dropping. We have a lack of that on the news, 'Crisp bag slashes kid across the face'. I can hope.


     Well today my dressage show got cancelled. So I'm extra miserable and bitter. I'm actually absolutely devastated. This was the moment that 2010 actually swung round and became a better year as me and Broc bring it back home and start winning things again. But no. On the other hand something pretty serious must have happened to cancel it so I suppose I'll find out tonight. With any luck there'll be many more shows to come and with William.


     Isn't the world so full of couples? Where have all the single people gone?! It is ridiculous! Almost every lesbian I know at least is not single. This confirms my fears that being thrown into singledom a few months ago will be a permanent status due to the shortage of available and single girls. In lesbo land it seems if you don't jump from one partner to another, you've no hope. And those that are single...well most of them I'd rather not know. Jeremy Kyle, that's all I'm saying.


      I suppose it isn't all completely dire and hopeless as it may seem. I have met a couple of nice single lesbians but I suppose anyone in the right mind would run in the opposite direction, especially if they read my ramblings. It's Pride coming up, once again mentioned friend and "crush" said it was just a pulling fest...hmmm.


     But for now I have to walk the dogs all over again...I'll keep you posted.


     


     

Music.

Once again inspired by Annabel I am going to try and list ten songs which my life fully relates to or reflect defining moments in it. Ahem, in no order...

1) Faithless: Insomnia.

It has to go up here. Being 16 and dancing to it in Siberia, begging Rick to play it because it isn't a rock tune. Then at the big build up all the smoke comes out and you lift your arms up in that trance sort of way and then...release. And probably drop your drink. Good times.

2) Xavier Rudd: Stargaze.

This is a very personal song shared with someone I loved very much. All that needs to be said really, I'm in danger of becoming emo.

3) Alicia Keys: Karma

My life is riddled with it. I truly, truly believe in it and you'd be a fool not to. Treat others how you'd want to be treated...unless they've treated you like shit then it's a whole new kettle of fish. Maybe if I hadn't have cheated on that boyfriend twice and ran off with my boss and left my old job in such a way and made that girl cry...blah blah blah. Maybe this year would be different.

4) Sleater Kinney: Jumpers.

This is such a beautifully tragic song (god I really am emo). I think anyone who's ever hated themselves or suffered with depression can relate to this guys story. It don't think it has to be about waiting to kill yourself or whatever, it just as much relates to waiting to feel better.

5) Joy Division: Love Will Tear Us Apart.

It's one thing you can guarantee in life. Every one of my relationships has been torn apart by me or the other person falling for someone else. I just don't know if it's ever gonna be any different.

6) P!nk: Don't Let Me Get Me.

In fact give me any P!nk song and I can relate to it. People say she's just a manufactured pop singer when in fact she's real, she writes her own stuff and covers issues that normal people go through. I've certainly felt like my own worst enemy. 

7) Space: Neighbourhood.

Guaranteed to get me up on any karaoke. Put this on and I'm back in the 90s listening to this on my now cd in my room or blasting it out of my dads car speeding whilst taking my step sister home. Never ever gets old and it's true, the world is full of freaks!

8) ABBA: The Winner Takes It All.

Right, whatever. I LOVE ABBA. Fact. Describes people shitting all over you quite well. People you fully trusted, loved. In such a catchy way. And I absolutely will always love Mamma Mia. Liz's car with Helena singing it on college frees...best days of my life.

9) Slipknot: Vermilion. 

This takes me back to being a teenage mosher, full of angst and confusion. Again it is a very personal song which I see about being haunted or obsessed about something or someone that you can't quite ignore. 'She isn't real, she isn't real, I can't make her real'...

10) Queen: We Will Rock You.

Takes me back to watching Queen videos as a kid with my cousin and dressing up as Freddie Mercury. We truly believed we were the only Queen fans out there anymore. This particular song I think fits me putting on a confident front which I do so often. 

That was astonishingly difficult. And it probably isn't even right. 

Song for the future: We Don't Speak Americano. Here's to happier, dancier times. 

17th August 2010

 Ok so apparently the above is now my motto in life... It was meant to be the blog title but with me being a technological retard and all...
     So I was inspired to start blogging my little life and all its happenings by the wonderful Annabel Bowden who is actually such an interesting writer I really shouldn't be attempting this. For a start I never really do anything. Here I am sat in my Mums living room when I have my own flat with my feet up on the coffee table listening to We No Speak Americano and wanting to stop typing for a minute so I can do the dance. So there we have the answer to that constant question the teachers were always asking when you put your feet on anything; "would you do that at home?" well yes. Yes I would. 


     This blog is going to deal with just about everything, I'm a very open person and I don't care what people think of me (well most of them, if my best mate turned round to me and said 'in all seriousness you're a dick' we'd have a bit of an issue on our hands). I struggle with depression and anxiety daily so if you have no time to read about me and such issues, quite frankly you can press the cross in the top right hand corner darling. I am also an out and proud lesbian so if you're a homophobic, likewise.


     A friend turned around to me on a night out once and said that as I am twenty I cannot possibly seriously suffer with such grievances. Which me of course being really quite drunk and a complete drama queen stormed off down piccadilly snivelling and waving my hand in the face of said person. I mean is depression something that is always there or brought on by a series of shit events? Which is basically what 2010 has been for me. 


     The anxiety is something I am genuinely worried about however. It may sound completely stupid but I am gaining a fear of going to sleep. I have recurring nightmares involving spiders. Big ones. Big ones crawling on me, falling on me, on my duvet. At which point I throw the duvet from myself and wake up not being able to breathe and trying to squash the dreamt up spider. If you've ever watched The Haunted Airman, it's like that. And look what happened  to him. He murdered Rachael Stirling. 


     No but seriously I have a horse show in a couple of weeks and I am terrified it's going to cost me big time. The last show I did was a total embarrassment. Marigold took me for a ride. Then the paranoia started; everyone's laughing at me, they're just bored of watching now they want me eliminated. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the fact that I have a psychic ability and knew my ex was going to dump me after it...who knows, maybe if i'd have gone clear then won the open jumping she would've thought twice? nah that's silly. I can never make anyone proud. And anyway a week after I moved out and she's with "Helen*"...coincidence?


     Plus I now have the opportunity of a lifetime for me to look after someone elses horse for nothing. He's very strong though and I'm worried the anxiety will one day take over and he'll take advantage. Anxious about anxiety? Jesus I need to get a grip.


     Another thing on my mind at the moment is people who don't make the effort. Like you make all the effort in the world with them, you love spending time with them and often look upto them in some ways but you get absolutely nothing back. And you wonder, why do I bother? But in actual fact you probably always will, that's the stupid thing. I wish I could be one of these people spoilt for choice with offers of what to do, I mean alright moneys short everywhere but it would be nice to be asked places. I'm struggling to find just one person to come to Pride with me for god sake. Notice how 'Pride' gets a capital and 'god' doesn't. That's because he isn't real like 'santa' and 'non stop sunshine in manchester'. Sorry for shattering any dreams.


     The same friend as earlier actually said that Pride has no culture but I beg to differ. There's a parade, drink, loads of colour, music, art, markets...what more do you want? That defines a cultural event to me, it's fun and you can probably learn something, buy something, get drunk. It doesn't have to make a big stinking political statement.


     I may bang on about Pride a lot but it's actually important to me. It's full of people not caring about anything and having a good time. Which is the situation I could do with being in right now. I can feel part of something and like my sexuality is fully accepted somewhere. Don't get me wrong I'm not all like 'I'm the only gay in the village' but there are clearly certain people who can't come to terms with it and feel like they can't relate to me as much anymore or seem like they're just waiting for me to come to my senses and find 'a nice boy'. The fact is, I really don't like willies. 


     Then comes the question, 'well why do lesbians use strap ons?'. Well basically, a bit of plastic is hardly the same as a fully fledged real human penis which has other functions. Also it stays up constantly and can come in whatever texture, shape, size, pattern you want. Lesbians have it good. Unlucky if you get with a boy you really like and it turns out he has a chode really.


     I'll tell you something that's even more ridiculous though; jobseekers. As it turns out I have a job (just to save myself there) I just haven't been able to start yet. For a kick off by the time they actually approve my claim I will be working. And all my bills will be unpaid. As with the housing, they told me to go to the library to get my documents checked, so I did. The woman looked at me like I'd just shit all over her counter. I mean genuinely, she took a step back and everything. Hand to chest. I felt like giving her a slap with them and walking out there and then. And as it turns out my rent's probably not getting paid either. BUT the point is, I just sat there through my signing on appointment and lied, barefaced. And I am toss at lying. But apparently I can still get over hundred quid every 2 weeks for it. If you can go through that much effort for that, you can get a job.




     But I'm gonna leave you with one final question and a few thoughts like Jerry Springer. Because I am aware that I do bang on a lot and love to talk about myself. 


     Can ex's be friends? Especially if they've hurt you. Well I suppose it may only be a few more days 'til we find out...
'Til next time, remember you can get anything you want for ten dollar. Aslong as you try hard enough.
I hope this blog will change lives.
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