Proud of what.

Proud of messing me about or being a child and shoving me into people obviously. Proud of dyke drama? No thankyou. I'm not with her anymore, don't want to be and certainly didn't sleep with her when you two were together. Sort it out, you're clearly still in love with her. Which has been the motto all weekend as it happens.
Yeah Pride wasn't that much to write home about. Total dissapointment, endless getting ditched and talking to people I didn't know who didn't seem to want to know me either.


I watched the bit of the parade I did catch on my own...blah blah bollocks.
Kelis was well worth going to see, got so near the front and she was an absolute babe. 


But now I've come home crying feeling like no one gives a shit, this week is going to be an absolute trial and a piss take with all my bills due and about 40p to my name...


And then I remembered in the last hour or so of what's been a pretty shit and expensive weekend, I met a stunning girl who is absolutely lovely and not into ditching people and messing them around at all. And suddenly 20 pound for the ticket and 18.50 to get not even all the way home seemed like a bargain. 

Language Timothy.

Godammit i need to get a grip. Today I'm a anxious wreck. I've had many a stress including one at a tit in the mini infront of me on the way to tesco with my Nan in the car. I even put my head out the window after noticing they had theirs down. She didn't appreciate the language. Bloody references have to be sent out AGAIN so I bet the Priory are just gonna give up on me and tell me to get fucked. My rent and all my bills are due next week and i have a grand total of 7 pounds in my bank. Nice one. At least I can get to Pride at least twice at the weekend. ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...who the fuck am I kidding, I'm the biggest pessimist and stress head going.


Last night I rode Bridgit again and not Mr Handsome Gypsy which I was totally gutted about. Everybody loves Gypsy, it's a Ryders farm fact. But there was a point to me riding him, not just a special treat. I was going to work on keeping my leg still because he's so sensitive. So I'm a little bit pissed off, i saw Bridgit written over tippex in the diary so I know their game. Turns out we got on a lot better this week and she was ace at flexing, we clearly did the best. Well that's my opinion, thousands would probably disagree. William would be dead good at that exercise, might try him at it in a bit when I go up to see him :) I hope he'll have a calming affect on me for the sake of my sanity this weekend.


I hope that nothing else goes wrong this weekend. i have quite a few people to meet and say iyer to now and introduce Lauren to and get drunk with so so far, good times are forecast. Aswell as with the weather it would appear. Couple of showers here and there but mostly dry, SCORE. Big improvement on last years wash out with any luck. 


I just wanna dance everything away this weekend, I know that sounds gay. I'm not even that bothered about getting majorly pissed (although i probably still will) but the most important thing is to have a reyt good laugh, meet new people and for me and Lauren to just forget all the shit that's happened and have a good time. And to see Kelis, obv.


Another thing I'm really excited about is meeting up with a certain someone who I'm not going to say much about but I am very much looking forward to it :)


Got randomly given some flyers yesterday and it turns out after whinging about wanting to see MIA and it turns out she's playing warehouse project this year!...but it's sold out! Never fear The Pole will know someone who knows someone...and if she doesn't I'll be hugely dissapointed. 


I had a brew with a mate I've not seen for ages yesterday and do you know what it was dead nice. Not at all awkward or weird like you might expect when you've not seen someone for ages and it just made me wonder if i've been making the effort with all the wrong people for quite a long time now. It seems that I've had some people coming back into my life who never should've been out of it, and maybe there's certain people who I need space and a bit of time from after getting so wound up or neglected. Cause for though I think.


In other news, my Nan writes the script for Doctors. I wanted to see if this drowning woman died in this river and she said nahh she won't Jimmy will come and drag her out and save her. I don't even know another Jimmy other than my Dad to be honest but it turns out that's exactly what happened. I think I'll start listening to my Nan more.

I'd rather be with a horse.

I haven't written for a couple of days, mainly cos nout's happened. Let's be honest about these things, my life is boring.


Oh sweet jesus new NSPCC ad...it's laughable. The pretenders are hardly charity music. God i hate the NSPCC.


I have decided I am doing mays great manchester run in aid of the Thoroughbred Rehabilitation Centre. They're an amazing charity getting ex-racehorses to settle into an ordinary life and rehome them instead of putting them down, selling them for meat or dumping them. As you can see, I am not a fan of racing. Now to work towards training!


Anyway, distracted. On saturday I went down to the farm to see William :) I walked whilst Lizzie rode and he was a star! Dead calm. Even when some absolute twats on motorbikes were whizzing around. They're not even meant to be there, it's bridleways. People walk and ride horse around them dirtracks. End of. These rally dick heads are another form of human being I can't stand, no consideration for anyone. One of them even when we shouted to stop because there was horses carried on coming up behind us and whizzing up the path beside us. Someone actually could have been killed. If William was spooky he'd have been off and his rider left on the floor. Arseholes, they expect so much respect on the roads but we get fuck all back off them. it's alright son I've written to the bury times and if I see you in my car you'll get it. Suck on that.


Then I gave him a groom which he seems to appreciate by swishing his tails about ENDLESSLY as if to say omg one didn't know I had this many hairs (William would be posh, possibly a pimp or a poof we haven't quite decided yet. Although I have some lovely bows which might be that decider...) We went to see Nanerz in the field who is Lizzies other one who's an actually massive psycho but very cute and only 5, bless him. He walked with me for a bit and then gave us the eyes so we had to bring him in and occupy him for a bit.


This didn't take long as when Lizzie lunged him he basically bronked, pulled her round the school and generally didn't want to do much. It's a shame for him really cos he could be such a beautiful horse, i hope he finds the right rider. If I had the time and the patience he'd be a good project and something I could show a lot of pride in. I wanna try out the martin clunes approach! Well what he learnt about being a grizzly bear and being the protector anyway. I could do that.


Lizzie was on about going to clifton in september, I hope we do. Show all them little shits from ryders how it's done!


I hope I start my new job next week, seriously I hate daytime telly. Who even is michael ball? he's a dick head that's who. If it's not him it's alan titchmarsh and if it's not him it's loose women. A load of menapausal woman talking about sex and things they think that matters and thinking they're controversial, whenever they think they've made a valid point they give out that smug, satisfied horrid face. No love, maybe that would have been relevant or controversial in the 50s but definitely not now you wrinkley, baggy fannied tarts. Ahem...


I am extremely frustrated with the lack of work and social life as you can see. Hopefully pride will sort me out. Sammie told me she couldn't come last night and I actually cried. my life was over. Deep, I know. But Lauren has saved the day and hopefully I shall meet a nice girl there and live happily ever after...aha. I'm losing it. I've even started to try online dating...well sort of, In the hope to find single lesbians. Don't look down on me, you know you've all added someone on facebook you thought was hot for that reason. Well it's like that except you all know what you're there for so it's less awkward. Don't worry however I'm not a freak, 'do you wanna go on webcam bbz?' 'CYBER???!', 'threesome??!'...err no thanks I'm just trying to have bigger friends circle and maybe meet a real life nice girl, broaden my horizons. 


Sorry but Colin and Justin where have they dug you up from and why are you discussing kids? What do you two queers know about kids?? (I can say it, I'm gay. It's like the N bomb.) ARGH I HATE IT.


I'D RATHER BE WITH A HORSE.

Sweet Charity.

So I want to do some kind of event/s next year for charity. But to avoid the main charities who basically support cancer and various illnesses, kids, old people and cats & dogs is proving very difficult to do. 
     Plus I'm not even sure about the kind of event I'd want to do. A walk would be good but it doesn't excite people into sponsoring you or thinking it's going to be particularly hard. A run, now I don't know whether I could handle that at all. I'd have to train for ages and even then, I hated cross country in school or doing the sports day runs. I completely died after about 100m guaranteed. 
    Then there's cycling, I reckon I wouldn't be bad at that after randomly cycling 16 miles in Menorca last year and dealing with it. But I don't have a bike. I could get one I suppose. Again, there's just shitloads for the mainstream charities who spend all their bloody money on putting adverts with crying children on whilst you're having your tea that you never pay any attention to anyway.
    
     Then there's the idea of making my own...ahaa. Could be a complete success and then again...no one could turn up or it could just go tits up in some other way. I'd really like to do it though. I'm just scared it'll be one of those things I always say I'm going to do then never do. I'm quite bad for that me. 
    Bt what would I organise and how? I'd love to do a ride for life, you never get any of those. Imagine how easy it would be to get press. But it's the routes that are going to be the  problem. I'm not familiar with many hacking routes round here so I'd have to really do my research. And possibly get a sat nav. Then there's permission from the council possibly...and THAT is a massive ache in the balls. 
     OR I could organise a horse show at one of my yards. Not too difficult to do I suppose it's just getting people to take part and finding an unbiased judge who doesn't want paying for the privilege. 
...hmm let me know your thoughts. 
TBC.

Out at 7, home by 9.

The true extent of my sadness there. Although I have the excuse that I am saving pennies for Pride. 


     Ellen Degeneres said in 2000 on her live dvd (watch it it's very good) that we can find all our answers in silence. I'm trying that now as I have a lot of answers which I require. See it's all well and good but there's still cars swishing about in the rain and the window's open cos I'm boiling and I'm typing so then there's that and if there was actual silence anyway I'm scared I would conk out after my 2 and a half koppabergs...


     On a continuation from yesterday I didn't ride my beautiful Broc on my riding lesson. No I got the 16.3hh beast that is Bridgit who I rode once absolutely ages ago. Now today we were bringing the cross country indoors. Home made cross country fences out of lay down jumping blocks, straw bales and cones...that sort of terrifying shit. Which I could look at one of two ways: At least it's indoors and not actually outside on the cross country field. I hate cross country.


     Well I think even after the very few blogs I've posted you can guess my answer. She absolutely leapt through the cones at full pelt. And tried eating the straw. So things were already bad enough. Then we got to the lay down jumping blocks and jesus wept you've never seen a performance like it. I don't actually know who's panicky breathing was louder mine or Bridgits. This clearly demonstrates the view that the bigger you get the bigger the wimp you are. It took ten minutes of me nearly coming off, her running backwards and round in circles until we finally bombed over it. 


    And I realised. I knew how to do it. I knew how to ride the horse. I could do it. I was just terrified of falling off and getting hurt. The thing is when I'm about to come off  a horse if I can avoid it, I will. I'll cling on for dear life instead of just admitting defeat. And I think this is the oh-so-wrong approach I take with everything in life. Instead of just letting go I kind of just either ignore it, back away from it or try to make everything better. Take me and Kirst for instance. I'd known it was coming for days and it completely ruined my last show, but I wouldn't bring it up and just get it out of the way myself. I just let myself go on crying, struggling, putting on a brave face because I thought that would make everything alright. I need to stop being so afraid of seperating myself from things and hitting the floor because it's just making me afraid to live my life. 


     Afraid to fall for anyone else because the same thing will happen and I'll never be good enough. Afraid to do cross country or have a good gallop on a horse across a field because I'm afraid I'll end up on the floor. I'm not saying I should just go and like throw myself off buildings or something and expect to live but the point is cotton wool and fear is not the solution. 


     I don't think I'm worried about seeing her at Pride with her new bird. I've gotten to the point now where I can even watch the video for 'No' that we made and not feel anything. (No it's not a porno, it's her music vid...) It's completely upto her whether she wants to actually make the effort and be friends although at the minute I think her bird has too much pussy control over her. I know she'd hate this, a facebook status about her and she flipped.


     As for today there's nothing much to say really. And the fact that it feels like those 2 and a half koppabergs are now sat on my eyelids... The decision was made to go to Amsterdam for my 21st. Red light district, weed, museums, hostels and interesting alcohol. Bring on the good times of 2011 I say.


     I will never be more glad to see the end of a year in all of my life.

A List.

This is just basically going to be a list of things I want to buy when I start my new job and my bank next sees money...can I get a 'In your dreams'?!


1) Car Insurance.
2) A new flat screen tv.
3) A new phone which does not break every month.
4) A wii.
5) Subscriptions to Diva, Horse&Rider and Horse magazines.
6) Simon Amstells new live dvd when it comes out.
7) Canvas pictures for my flat.
8) A big gold mirror for the bedroom.
9) Red paint for the bedroom feature wall.
10) Magnolia paint to go over everywhere that got scratched by us trying to get that couch in.
11) A couch instead of 2 chairs.
12) Many t-shirts from truffle shuffle.
13) A new tattoo.
14) Many dvds from Amazon to expand my already large collection.
15) A pair of muckers for when I go and  do William.
16) A horse riding holiday/training programme.
17) A weekly or fortnightly private lesson, preferably with William.
18) More toys and fun stuff for Coco to do when I'm out.
19) Get those speakers fitted in my car! And black the back windows out.
20) A gym membership to train for da po-lice.


...I may add to this later. I clearly think I'm going to be a millionaire...

Look at that weather.

18th August 2010. Pissing it down. Monsoon rains aren't just affecting China you know. Why do we never get a summer? Mind you in all honesty I'd rather drown than burn. It's supposed to be more relaxing. The weather though, they just briefly mentioned it was raining in England and then moved on to the fact that it's sunny in the med. As my Nan said "oh well we'll just go and hang our washing out there shall we?"


     I do hopefully have more interesting subjects to talk about other than the weather though.  Like dogs in the news. Not minging people, go to Jeremy Kyle if you want them, but actual four legged dogs. How many times do we have to hear about a kid who's had their face/hands ripped off before people get some common sense? Keep your kids on a lead. If need be, keep your dogs on a lead. It just made me think when some little shit came running across he road (parents weren't arsed about that either, he didn't stop, look and listen for a kick off) after my mums jack russells. And yes, they were on a lead. But who's fault is it if some little shit then comes running up behind you?


     As it happens he didn't get anywhere near my dogs but if he had, Penny like me hates little shitty kids so god knows what would've happened.  There was one in the news today about a kid who might never see again cos she 'fell in dog dirt'. Jesus Christ, once again keep your kids on a lead but aswell LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING. Dog shit is dog shit, I'm sure even a kid knows what poo looks like and you don't wanna end up in it. And anyway how can a bit of poo in your eye cause blindness? It's just a cover up for summat else I'm telling you. Why should owners always have to pick it up on parks? Yeah it's not the nicest thing to look at but it's biodegradable unlike the litter that you're all always dropping. We have a lack of that on the news, 'Crisp bag slashes kid across the face'. I can hope.


     Well today my dressage show got cancelled. So I'm extra miserable and bitter. I'm actually absolutely devastated. This was the moment that 2010 actually swung round and became a better year as me and Broc bring it back home and start winning things again. But no. On the other hand something pretty serious must have happened to cancel it so I suppose I'll find out tonight. With any luck there'll be many more shows to come and with William.


     Isn't the world so full of couples? Where have all the single people gone?! It is ridiculous! Almost every lesbian I know at least is not single. This confirms my fears that being thrown into singledom a few months ago will be a permanent status due to the shortage of available and single girls. In lesbo land it seems if you don't jump from one partner to another, you've no hope. And those that are single...well most of them I'd rather not know. Jeremy Kyle, that's all I'm saying.


      I suppose it isn't all completely dire and hopeless as it may seem. I have met a couple of nice single lesbians but I suppose anyone in the right mind would run in the opposite direction, especially if they read my ramblings. It's Pride coming up, once again mentioned friend and "crush" said it was just a pulling fest...hmmm.


     But for now I have to walk the dogs all over again...I'll keep you posted.